


uneasy hearts weigh the most

by clumsylou



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: (but for good reason), Angst, Betrayal, Canon Compliant, F/M, Fluff, Future Character Death, Homophobia, Implied Sexual Content, LOUAYLOR FRIENDSHIP, Larry Stylinson Is Real, Loyal Louis Tomlinson, M/M, harrys kind of a dickhead, ish, post one direction, sort of slow burn-ish, zouis best friendship methinks, zouis reunion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-19 05:13:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 21,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29745498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clumsylou/pseuds/clumsylou
Summary: Canon-compliant (ish). All Louis has known for most of his life is Harry. They went through the unimaginable together, but Harry’s attitude drastically changed out of nowhere. It frustrated Louis for months, and one day Harry calls it quits. Months later, they run into each other again. After discovering something about him, Louis is fully convinced there’s something deeply wrong with Harry. Louis just doesn’t know what it is.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, Harry Styles/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 14
Kudos: 20





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> uh oh they back!  
> If anyone sees this who remembers me, hey. I was @bigeggs. Ao3 really terminated my acc a few months ago smh. I lost all my work. That’s fun.  
> Anyways! I’m back with pain.

Louis shuffles through the entrance of his flat, tugging his gloves off and rubbing them together quickly to warm them up as he arrives at the elevator, pressing the ‘up’ button several times like it’ll speed the process. He’s been _anything_ but busy for the past nine hours. It was exhausting, and though he wasn’t sure what to expect when he found himself on the other side of his door, it was better than sitting in a dull room devoid of creativity. Writer’s block has building blocks, Louis found, and it builds them around his brain.

He takes a deep breath when he walks into the elevator, feeling the surrounding air filling up his lungs and his diaphragm contracting. When he exhaled, all that he could feel was an anxious impression taking the place where oxygen once was. For a momentary distraction, he looks about the elevator, its autumn-toned interior a weird sense of comfort for the man. Louis didn’t actually know what was waiting for him inside his home, but he knew it wasn’t good. He wasn’t excited, and now he actually wishes he stayed in that office longer.

It’s too late now, he decides, as the elevator passes the number six, seven, eight… the latter disappeared into nine, and Louis walks out of the last place he felt any sort of comfort that day.

Louis unlocked his door, and when he attempted to push it open, a box stunted the action. He squeezes through the door to find his fiancé packing some of their things, and he lets out a sigh of relief. Louis knows what this is. It’s not ideal, but better than what he was expecting.

“Hey, Harry,” he greets, “is this all our stuff? You’ve sorted us out a new house again, then?”

Harry lets out a monotonous hum and shrugs, taping up the box he was currently working on.

“That was _one time_ , Louis,” Harry points out, almost sternly.

Louis rolls his eyes, his worry fading back into the gaping hole in his chest. Here we go again. 

“I know, darling. It’s why I said ‘again’, innit?” he attempts to joke.

“But,” Harry starts, turning around with an insincere smile on his face, “the way you said it… that implies I do something like this weekly. Not that what you suggested was true, but what you said was offensive.”

“Alright, chill out,” Louis tells him, “I was only joking. We can drop it. What’re you up to, then? What’s the boxes for?”

The taller of the two men paces the room as if he’s on the verge of a major scientific discovery. It surprises Louis when there’s no hand on his chin, a flailing arm, and an actual lightbulb above Harry’s head lighting up with a ‘ding!’.

“I’ve realised something recently,” Harry finally says, “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the past two weeks, and I’ve concluded that saying ‘yes’ to your proposal was a mistake!” he explains cheerfully. The dismissiveness makes Louis’ brain literally turn.

“Harry—“

“Actually, no! Not for weeks. Months! Do we even know what we’re doing here? Like, seriously. Are we out of our minds? Of course we are. Do you really think we can last forever? Come on, that’s unrealistic for _anything_.”

Louis fights the urge to break into a fit of angry tears, as he’s not sure if this is just another one of Harry’s moments or reality. He was right to assume coming home would go awfully.

“So is ten years of devotion not enough to convince you I’m in this forever?” 

“It’s just that I’ve realised that this isn’t what I want any more!” Harry explains, taking a breath to go on another insane rant when Louis cuts him off.

“What’re you even saying? You’re plastered, aren’t ya? Go to bed then,” Louis suggests, annoyed at Harry now more than upset because this definitely isn’t happening.

“I’m sober,” the younger man insists with a shrug and a smile. The pair stare at each other for about two painful, silent minutes before Harry speaks up again.

“I see nothing when I look at you.”

Ouch. “Elaborate, please.”

Harry scoffs and crosses his arm. “When you look at me, or think of me… what do you, like, think?”

Louis exhales before he gives a legitimate answer, “the love of my life, I guess?” he explains sarcastically, “erm, my future husband?”

“That!” the green-eyed man exclaims in excitement, as if he just finished a proof that’s taken sixty years. 

“Yes! I don’t know that I’ve felt that. Not any more, at least. You know?” he elaborates, an enormous grin on his face, incapable of wrapping his head around the fact that everything he just said was absolutely devastating.

The shorter of the two’s shoulders deflate. What’s the point of trying to get through to him? Still, he tries. 

“Don’t you think there was some better way to tell me this? I come back from a boring day, and I'm tired and upset, then I come home to my fiancé, and he’s packed my stuff and told me he’s not sure that he’s ever loved me. In the harshest way imaginable, I _must_ add! Do you not see the issue with that?”

“Thought honesty was our thing? Why are you so sensitive right now?” he cackles, sighing after a few seconds of laughter, turning around to pick up another box.

“What’s happened to you? These last few months… it’s been weird. You know what I’m talking about.”

“People change, Louis! It’s life! Just because I’m changing and it’s not what you’re used to doesn’t mean you can try and drag me to _therapy_. That’s _rude._ ”

“I’m worried about you!” he exclaims exasperatedly, “I’ve known you since you were sixteen! This is not you! What’s wrong? You know you can talk to me. I’ve always been here.”

“Did you honestly expect me to stay like that forever!?” Harry snaps, “I _thought_ you loved me. I _thought_ you supported me. Guess I was just doing what the best for the both of us, huh? Did you want out, too?”

“Of course not! What orifice are you even pulling this bullshit from?” 

“Your behaviour is showing me you don’t truly care about me,” Harry says calmly, “so deal with the decision I made if that’s what you truly feel.”

. . .

“Jeez,” Taylor comments, “this just happened?”

“Yep,” Louis confirms, rolling his eyes as he shoots back the rest of the alcohol in his glass, “I don’t know if I can even deal with him if he asks me to come back.”

“You probably shouldn’t go back if he does,” Taylor agrees, “this is so weird, though. Why’d he change so much? Let alone the short time frame. It’s like suddenly something just switched in his brain and he kind of lost it.”

“Yeah, yeah,” the man agrees, “it’s been frustrating.”

“Do you think it might be a coping mechanism?” she suggests.

“How do you mean that?”

“Maybe the reality of how badly you were all treated back in the day finally caught up to him,” Taylor shrugs, “he really showed himself as completely unaffected even though he dealt with his fair share.”

“I suppose that’s sensible,” Louis allows. “He’s always been one to deal with his issues, but once the band ended, he just sort of went on as if everything was fine. Like, come on now, it wasn’t. You know what I mean? It took me a bit of time to come to terms with it, but we were all abused in some shape or form. It’s a tough reality to live in… to live with that fact, really. We’re usually each other’s rock, but now that you bring it up, he never talks about much of the things we endured back then.” Louis sighs to himself and stares at his hands clutched around the empty glass.

Taylor sighs. “I’m sorry. You don’t deserve this. I hope you know that just because he’s going through something doesn’t mean you have to deal with it. It’s clearly affecting you.”

Louis hums in response, signalling the bartender for another glass. Once it’s arrived, he takes a sip, and shrugs finally.

“I suppose, yeah.”

The lukewarm liquid burns its way down his throat and pools in the middle of Louis’ chest, as if it’s company for the uneasiness that set up shop in his stomach. A weird cloud has been following him since he walked out of what was once his and Harry’s flat, the brisk air seemingly much harsher and colder when he trudged out alone.

“Didn’t you try to get him into therapy or something?” Taylor questions, and Louis hears it just fine, yet he feels like his head is underwater. 

He confirms the question with a nod, “back then, accused me of not loving him if I made him get help,” Louis replies absent mindedly, “he brought it up and said the same today.” 

The situation seems to project on the back of his eyelids, as if his brain recorded it on some sort of highlight reel in his brain. 

“Harry was never manipulative,” Taylor comments as if Louis wasn’t aware, and he lightly scoffs in annoyance.

“I’m very aware, love.”

“Are you okay?”

“We’ll see,” he cryptically responds, leaving a twenty-dollar bill on the bar table before he gets up from the seat, once again meeting the cold air that proved itself a hundred times more bitter a mere four hours ago.

The world seemed skewed now as Louis trudged down the normal path to Taylor’s flat, a haven for feelings and hours of endless piano playing when things like this happened with Harry. It was never like this though, which is the trouble spot for Louis in dealing with the problem.

He almost feels deprived of the oxygen he’s automatically supposed to be supplied, or sort of like someone pulled his life support plug. 

Louis is positive he’s seconds away from falling in the grave Harry’s been slowly digging for him. 

He’s aware of the anxiety creeping up his chest again, and his brain is so foggy that he doesn’t know how to deal with it. He’s not sure if he ever knew in the first place, because whenever he felt like this, it was _Harry_ who was there to calm his nerves before any negative emotion got this intense.

Louis wishes he could do what everyone else does when they break up with someone-- scream things like “I hate you” consisting of never ending curses. He _could,_ Louis really could, but _meaning it_ is another thing. Louis could never mean a single harsh word towards him, and it’s because Harry was often the reason Louis even got out of bed most mornings. He’s been the only thing Louis was living for since he was eighteen. They had such a steady ten years until early this year, and it left Louis wary to save something Harry’s trying so hard to break. It doesn’t make any sense to him, but there’s nothing Louis can do anymore.

Sometime that night, Louis gets the mental authorisation to recharge with a long-ish, subfusc rest. A short few hours later, though, it’s interrupted by fluorescent lights burning the exterior of his eyelids. An uncomfortable and tedious sensation flooded through his withdrawn body when he heard two voices trying (and failing) to keep quiet for him. 

“Why’d you even come?” a familiar voice whispered, “you know he doesn’t even want to see you.”

“How am I supposed to know that?” the other voice whispered back, “plus, when you have friends that work at the hospital and you’re the ‘fiancé’ and your partner is in the hospital, they call you,” they finished sarcastically, and Louis darted his eyes open.

“What the fuck,” Louis complains groggily, “huh?”

He begrudgingly looks around the bright room he’s placed in, quickly piecing together that he’s in a hospital room. For what, he’s unaware of, but it’s the least of his issues right now. The actual issue is the way _Harry’s_ looking at him right now.

“So, are you fine?” Harry questions, like he’d rather be anywhere else.

“Guess so,” Louis tells him. It’s great to know Harry still cares, right?

Nodding, Harry rises from his seat. “Glad to hear that,” he insincerely comments, sighing before he walks over to Louis.

“H-here, um,” Harry clears his throat, and Louis finally gets a better look at his green eyes, because he feels like he hasn’t for months. They’re stressed and tired like they are when he’s tired or has been crying, and a pang of concern flows through Louis. The feeling threatens to retract when he sees what Harry lies on his lap.

“I thought you’d want this back,” he tells him, almost sadly, and for the first time in weeks, Louis recognises him. With this in his head, he reaches for Harry’s wrist.

“Are you okay?”

Harry simply shakes his head. “I’m in more pain lately,” he explains, “I’ll see you. I’m sorry.”

He walks out of the room against Louis’ will, and Taylor fades into Louis’ line of sight.

“What was that?” She asks, clearly confused, “and what’s hurting? Huh?”

“His head,” Louis explains, “he gets these headaches now and then. It always disappeared before it was concerning enough to go to the hospital, but I insisted anyway. He’s convinced he’s fine. It was better lately, but uh, I guess they came back.”

Taylor nods. “Are _you_ okay? I mean, I know his visit was unexpected.”

“I’ll tell ya what’s unexpected,” he starts while sitting up in the bed, picking up the red box in his lap, “waking up in a hospital room. Why am I here, again?”

“I got home, and you were unconscious,” she says, “I assumed you had a panic attack or something and I didn’t know what to do, so I took you here and told them you passed out.”

“Good girl,” he compliments, aggressively setting the box down on his stand.

“What’s that?” Taylor asks, blue eyes lit up in cat-like curiosity.

“His engagement ring.”

“Oh.”

“Yep. When can we get back to yours?”

“Soon, I believe,” she tells him, eager to make Louis comfortable, “I can go ask a doctor, if you’d like?”

“If you would, darling.”

“On it,” she accepts, rising to leave the room.

“Thanks.”

. . .

The next few weeks are spent with Louis half-moving into Taylor’s apartment, with the remainder of his items locked away in a storage unit. Louis made sure to drop by his old apartment only when he thought Harry wouldn’t be home, luckily only running into him a few times.

Since being away from Harry, it’s been hard to even go on the _internet_ . The majority of Louis’ supporters double as Harry’s, which makes 70% of his mentions full of things like “ _say hi to Harry for me!_ ” They still haven’t been able to officially come out and say they’ve been together, but everyone’s basically connected the dots by now. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that they’re involved.

 _Used to be_ involved, but that’s still hard for Louis to process. It’s easier for him to live in denial.

What was once late October turned to mid December like barely any time passed at all. Three months, and Louis still hasn’t fully grasped the fact that an eleven year relationship ended in five minutes. 

Throughout Louis’ residence with his friend and his media absence, he and Taylor have been writing and releasing more songs – each increasingly more concerning than the last. It was a clear indicator that they were working together.

Taylor actually convinced Louis to reply to some tweets eventually, though it was hard because of how many people mention Harry. He tweeted a general check-up message and answered a few asking how he’s doing, what music he’s been listening to more as of recently, stuff like that. He hasn’t even been on to announce the songs he’s been spontaneously dropping either, so naturally he had to give cryptic “;)” responses to the questions as to why that was. 

“Have you decided yet?” Taylor asks, padding softly into the room where Louis was located, softly playing the piano.

“Decided on what, love?” he asks back, not entirely sure what she means.

“The banquet,” she elaborates, “you’re supposed to perform, remember?”

“Ah, yeah,” Louis nods, “I’m not sure yet.”

“It’s next week, bud,” Taylor tells him, “I’m not trying to rush you, but it’d be ideal to inform them now if you’re not going.

“I know that, Taylor, but,” he stops playing and scoffs in irritation, “it’s hard. You know who’s going to be there and it’s hard to say I’m not going because it’s an auction to raise money for _sick kids,_ but _fuck_!” he spits in exasperation, “and I’m not mad at you, please know that, I just don’t know what to do!” 

Tears began to well in his eyes and he rolled them at himself, somehow annoyed that he has human emotions.

She inhales deeply and takes another few steps toward him, sitting next to him on the piano bench. “I know it’s hard right now and- and it’s really weird, this whole situation, but I don’t think you can spend any longer hiding from him.”

Louis only moans an “ugh” in response.

“He hurt you, Lou. He hurt you bad, and there’s no explanation to it. It kills you that you can’t fix it because you _know_ something’s wrong. You’ve been dealing with that for the past few months.”

“Yeah.”

“But the reality is, you can’t run from him forever. You know this, but you’re always going to be asked about him. You’re always going to be associated with Harry. When people think of Harry, they think of the boy band you _both_ were in. They think about your deep friendship _within_ said band. You can’t try to run from him, because it’s completely unrealistic.”

“Wow, thanks,” Louis replied sarcastically. “I just-” he starts, “it doesn’t make sense, you know what I mean?”

“I know,” Taylor consoles, rubbing his shoulder as he groans when tears slip down his tanned cheeks.

“It was _us_ ,” Louis explains, “it’s hard to see him when it was always us. He always told me this, us, was something that meant the most to him. Then he started acting like it didn’t,” he shrugs. 

“I can assume you’re not performing, then,” Taylor whispers, a small attempt to maybe make him scoff in laughter.

“No, no,” Louis decides, “I’ll go. Six hours in a form-fitting suit at a formal dinner and performing? Sounds so fun!” he ironically states.

“Louis,” Taylor deadpans.

“Nah, it’ll be fun, it’ll be fun,” he confirms, “just gotta suck it up, Y’know? But if I ‘go to the bathroom’ during Harry’s performance, don’t be surprised.”

“Mmm, okay,” Taylor playfully smirks, “whatcha working on?”

He shrugs in response. “I don’t know.”

“I know you better than that.”

“Ugh, they’re already worried about me,” Louis complains, “I’m not trying to go all the way to the studio and record another song that will simultaneously make my producers and fans worry. Worry _more_.”

“It’s your therapy, Lou,” Taylor points up, “they’re gonna worry because they care about you. That doesn’t mean they don’t understand that life sucks sometimes. It’s why they like you so much, ‘cause you’re honest about the things that aren’t easy to deal with.”

“That’s true, that’s true,” Louis allows with a shrug. He goes back to playing as Taylor scrolls on her phone.

The woman opens Twitter, and she almost wishes that she hasn’t.

She gets up off the piano bench, careful to not bring any attention to her apprehension.

Taylor closes the door to the room behind her, padding to the couch and sitting down to watch the video that popped up on her feed.

Sighing and hoping that this is not what she thinks it is, she clicks on the video.

_“I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time, yeah, she’s great,”_ Harry tells the interviewer on the video. _“I feel free.”_

_“This is the first time you’ve addressed a rumour, let alone a dating rumour head on. Why’s that?”_

_Harry shrugs. “I thought it was time to be less mysterious.”_

_“That makes sense. Do you mind answering one other, very prominent rumour?”_

_“Hit me.”_

_“You and Tomlinson, your old bandmate. For a whopping eleven years, there’s been this rumour following both you and Louis that you are in this secret relationship. Was that ever true?”_

_The green-eyed man smirks a bit to himself, “of course it was true. It was always true.”_

_“Oh, really?” the interviewer sounded surprised, “when did it, you know, end?”_

_“About four months ago,” Harry answers, “yeah, almost twelve years I was with him.”_

_“That’s a long time. This new relationship must be a really big deal. Does he know you’re talking about this today?”_

_“Nope, he doesn’t. We haven’t spoken in a while. Hell, no one even knows he’s gay!”_ Harry chuckles to himself in the clip, and Taylor gasps.

“Oh, he didn’t…”

_“It was my relationship too, wasn’t it? I believe I reserve the right to speak about it.”_

The video ends.

“Oh, God,” she panics, getting off the sofa, “uh oh,” she paces her living room for a bit, wondering about what she should even do.

Not only did Harry out their relationship on a moment’s thought, but he outed Louis’ label altogether. He also already has a new _girlfriend_. This really can’t be good for Louis or his mental state right now, so she’s struggling in how to break this to him. His Twitter and Instagram is about to be flooded with hundreds and thousands of messages, if it’s not already. 

Finally, Taylor makes a decision.

She walks back to the room and opens the door strongly. “Louis,” she calls.

“Yeah, love?” he questions, picking up his phone.

“Don’t go on Twitter,” she requests, “don’t ask why. Don’t.”

“But, uh,” Louis gets up and flashes his blue eyes at her playfully, “why not?”

“You’re struggling right now,” she says, “it can’t be good for you.”

“I just wanted to update the fans this time,” Louis tells her, “I’m thinking of performing this one at the banquet, too!”

“Speaking of the banquet,” Taylor panics, “you shouldn’t go. I won’t either!”

“Why are you being so odd?” Louis chuckles, “you were right! I should just suck it up. I won’t be able to go anywhere if I can’t face him.”

There’s no way Taylor can get him out of this. She convinced him too well.

“But you were right, actually,” she counters, “who am I to tell you what’s good for you? It’s still too early.”

“Taylor, that’s it,” Louis decides sternly, “I’m going. Maybe I’ll even talk to Harry, ha.”

His phone rings suddenly, and Taylor grows increasingly anxious. “Just don’t go.”

“I don’t know what you’re hiding from me, but once I’m off the phone, I’m finding out,” Louis jokes and answers the call.

He walks out into the hallway, and Taylor begins to pace the room again. It’s probably nothing, right? It’s just a friend. Probably Liam checking up on him. She wants to believe this badly, but fate didn’t really work out that way.

The younger of the two walks back in the room ten minutes later, phone in his hand and his face blank.

“I was just, um,” Louis starts, clearing his throat, “I was fired from my label.”

Taylor’s stomach drops. “What? Did they say why? Oh, my God, Louis. Are you okay?”

“Yeah, they did, actually,” he says monotonously, “they said they couldn’t associate with artists who ‘have a mind of their own,’ and, uh, I was really confused, so I called my managers.”

Taylor’s eyes widened. “What happened then?”

“Well,” he breathes in, “apparently they were just about to call me to let me know I’m being sued,” he finishes with a bitter smile.

“ _Sued_?”

“Yeah, for a breach of contract.”


	2. two — stay away from my friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis tries to deal with his issues, resulting in a reconnection to an old friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy.  
> TW for mentions of weed. It’s implied and never directly tackled (as in, nobody says “want weed?” lmao)
> 
> song for this chapter is stay away from my friends by pierce the veil. i thought some of it fit.

“Louis, calm down please.”

“Oh-ho-ho,” he laughs, “you did _not_ just say that to me.”

Taylor frowned. “We can fix it! It’s easy to say it was just a lie.”

“Oh, so you think lawyers don’t have ears now?” Louis questions, “you seem to forget that my word is not the only thing that’s gonna be in that courtroom. That’s not even the issue!”

His best friend sighs. She knows this is hard for him. “What _is_ your main issue?”

“I don’t know, maybe the fact that everyone knows that I’m gay?” he explains in irritation. “What do you mean, ‘what's your issue’?! I wasn’t ready for that!”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it that way.”

Louis knows that. He knows she’s just trying to understand how he’s feeling right now so she can offer him some comfort. Why did this have to happen? Out of everything he’s going through, the universe doesn’t think he’s had enough? It was tiring and Louis is sure he’s going to explode.

“I don’t know why he’d fucking do this!” the man complains, “everyday he strays farther from who I know as _my_ Harry.”

Louis’ phone begins to ring again.

“Bet that’s more of my PR managers telling me I’m screwed,” he jokes, Taylor rolling her eyes at him as he looks at the caller ID.

His face lifts. “Oh, nice. It’s Liam. I know what it’s gonna be about, but, you know.”

Taylor nods as he walks down the hall and presses answer. She snickers as she hears Louis greet the man with “what’s up, dickhead?”

A few hours pass as Louis is on the phone with his friend, and Taylor waits patiently until he’s done, because after he speaks to Liam he’s always in a bit of a better mood. 

It’s about eight in the evening when Louis finds Taylor asleep on the couch with some awful television show playing. He lightly kicks her ankle to shock her awake. Her eyes are still closed, but her eyebrows lift in curiosity.

“What do I smell?” she mumbles sleepily.

“Guess you’ll have to open your eyes to see, darling,” he teases, and she darts her eyes open.

“Food?” Taylor asks excitedly when she sees Louis in front of her, holding takeout bags.

“Yes,” he confirms, “I’ve bought absolute shit food and you’re going to eat it with me.”

Taylor sits up with a nod. “Saturated fat to eat our worries away?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“That’s my sweet spot!”

The pair eat, for the most part, in complete silence. Louis was figuring out what his course of action for the next few weeks are going to be, and Taylor really just didn’t know what to say. She knew Louis was hurting badly with everything that happened within the last few months, and it burns her that she can’t help him fix it all. 

Louis, on the other hand, doesn’t know where to start. He doesn’t know if he’s performing next week, he doesn’t know what to do when he has to go to court next month, it was all just a blur. He doesn’t know how his life went from fine to rock bottom in mere weeks. The worst part is he can’t be transparent about it at all. Louis feels completely alone. He’s got Taylor, but she doesn’t really get it – nobody he knows does. It’s not like _Niall_ would understand what it’s like to be outed by your ex-fiancé nationally. Liam sure wouldn’t understand, and neither would any of his childhood friends. Oh, God, he thinks. More people to confront him about this situation. Yuck.

The one person he’d go to during something like this is Harry. That’s obviously not an option. He can’t cry to his own damn mother. Surely she would’ve known what to say, right?

“Are you okay?” Taylor inquires, which is a question she’d been asking a lot lately.

“To be honest? No,” he admits, “but how could I, really?”

“That’s true,” she agrees, “anything you’re thinking about in particular?”

Louis shrugs, moving his head away from Taylor to wipe a tear off his cheek.

“I don’t have my mother’s sagacity when I need it most these days, is all,” he tells her. “I’m just having trouble not being able to open up to anyone else about the severity of this all.”

She nods. “I get that. I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright, I guess,” Louis says, “I’m usually positive in the face of something so horrible. It’s kind of hard to be positive now, so I’m struggling.”

Taylor understands, she gets that way sometimes. Obviously she’ll never completely get this situation, but she tries as much as she can.

“Crazy thought,” Taylor mentions, “have you thought of talking to Zayn?”

Louis stares at her in disbelief for a few seconds. He hesitates at first, but then bursts out into laughter. He takes a sip of his beer, sets it down, and starts laughing again.

“What’s so funny?”

Louis only laughs harder, wiping a tear from his eye. “You are.”

Taylor crunched her eyebrows in confusion. “How am I funny? I was just suggesting that you-”

He wheezes again, snorting as the laughter fades out. He giggles a few more times before sighing loudly. 

“Not happening.”

She sits back against her chair with a sigh. “Come on, Louis. I know things are weird between you two, but you can’t seriously still be against speaking to him. It’s been six years.”

Louis clears his throat before speaking. “It’s not that I don’t ever want to speak to him eventually. He was my best friend. I believe we will be friends again. I just think that neither of us are at the stages of our lives where we can confront each other.”

“How would you know that unless you talk to him?”

“Because if I’m not mature enough to talk it out, he’s definitely not,” Louis reasons, “and I still am not mature enough for that conversation that we need to have. What he did _hurt_. I can’t speak to him without the pain from that situation influencing what I’m saying to him.”

“That’s understandable.”

“He said he’d show up, Taylor.”

“I know,” she frowns. “I know.”

For the millionth time, Louis’ phone rings.

“Wouldn’t it be funny if that was Zayn?” Louis jokes, taking another swig of his beer, letting the phone go to voicemail. He’s learned not to pick up many calls with no caller ID.

Taylor laughed quietly, nodding as she ate one of the few fries left on her plate.

Louis’ phone rings again.

“You are a _hoot_ today,” Taylor jokes, and earns a death glare from Louis.

“Watch it.”

“Sorry.”

The younger man picks up his phone, hanging up on it.

“Stupid scammers,” he complains before setting his phone on the table.

“So, I was thinking-” Taylor starts, but then she’s interrupted by Louis’ phone. Again.

“Sorry, love,” he checks the number and grows confused, “it’s the same number?”

The call ends again and he opens his phone to look at the log, only to find that all three calls were from the same number.

He voices this, and Taylor urges him to call it back.

Louis clicks on the number, and listens to the phone ring a few times before whoever’s on the other side picks up.

“Hello,” he says into the phone, “who’s this? You’ve called me three times by now.”

 _“Louis?”_ the voice asks, and Louis is close to dropping his phone.

Louis pulls the phone away from his ear, and mutes his side.

“Fate is working against me today,” he tells Taylor.

 _“Hello?”_ comes from the phone.

“Is that-” Taylor begins to question, and Louis nods his head.

He unmutes his mic after taking a deep breath. “Hi.”

_“You know who this is, right?” he jokes, and Louis laughs a little bit._

“‘Course I do,” he confirms, smiling a bit to himself.

_“I wanted to call you because, well, I’m sure you know,” the man explains, “how’s it going?”_

“I’m hanging in there, to say the least. How about you, Zayn?”

 _“Good, good,”_ he replies, _“I really just thought it was time to talk to you. I know you should’ve made the decision, and feel free to hang up, but I can only imagine what you’re feeling right now. I wanted to let you know that I’m here for ya.”_

“Thank you, thank you,” Louis replies sincerely, “I suppose we could talk, yeah.”

_“Great!”_

. . .

“Are you sure you’re ready for this?” Taylor asks, “it’s a big deal.”

“It is,” Louis agrees, “but I’ve got you and Z, don’t I? I’ll be fine.”

That was true. Louis really did believe he’d be fine. After the _long_ conversation he had with Zayn a week ago, he felt really good about this. He and Louis have been talking more and more, slowly becoming friends again, so Zayn offered to come with Louis to the event. He agreed, because why not? They started to have a good time again, goofing around just like they used to. It was better to have more friends during this period of his life. 

Louis was more ready to accept his apology than he previously presumed.

Weirdly, a weight was lifted off of his chest when he finally did.

“I’m so glad you guys are friends again,” Taylor comments when they’re in the car, “it feels natural.”

“Me too, yeah,” Louis agrees, starting up his car, “it does, doesn’t it?”

Taylor smiles at him momentarily. “You look handsome today, bud.”

“Thank you, thank you,” he replies.

“Like, hot.”

“I’m gay.”

“How does you being gay imply that I don’t have eyes?”

Louis shrugs. “You were getting a little dodgy there.”

“Whatever you say, Lou,” Taylor jokes.

When the pair finally arrive at the event, Louis struggles to find parking.

“Oh, for the love of…” Louis rolls his eyes, “we’re early! How many people are coming to this thing?”

“Like, three-hundred, Louis,” Taylor reminds him, “why are you so surprised?”

“ _Uggggghhhhhhh,_ ” he groans, “I hate parking.”

“Shut up,” Taylor demands. “You’re being a child.”

“What the fuck is wrong with you?”

Taylor cackles in response, “I was just trying to get you mad at something else.”

“Didn’t work.”

“I can see that.”

Louis finally finds a decent parking spot, to both of their delight. Louis happily sets the vehicle into park, and fixes his shirt and jacket. He quickly hops out of the car, quite excited for the rest of the night. 

Taylor and Louis walk together, the former scanning to see where Zayn might be waiting outside the building. 

“You’re actually excited to see him,” Taylor observes.

“‘Course I am,” Louis shrugs.

He’s about to say something else when he makes eye contact with the man he’s looking for, leaning against the side of the building. 

“Woah,” Taylor says, “blue Zayn.”

“Hey, Taylor,” he greets as the pair arrives, nodding at her in acknowledgement.

He and Louis look at each other for a few moments, both sort of unsure about how to exactly greet each other.

“Oh, c’mon,” Louis smiles, pulling his friend into a hug. 

“I missed you, man,” Zayn admits, smiling at his friend when he pulls away. 

“As did I, yeah,” Louis smiles softly.

“So…” he questions, hands in his pockets. “You still smoke?”

Louis rolls his eyes playfully with a laugh. “Cigarettes? Unfortunately, yeah.”

“No,” the taller man says, “not—“

“Oh,” Louis smirks, “I could.”

Taylor inhaled with a shake of her head. “Oh God.”

. . .

“You guys are so fucking obvious,” Taylor whisper-yells at the pair, who just laugh in response.

“We’re not,” Louis insists, “stop saying shit like that and we will be.”

“Nothing is out of the ordinary,” Zayn comments, eyes wide as he reaches to open the door to the main entrance.

“Yes it is,” Taylor laughs, “it very much is.”

“Oh, my God,” Zayn says, “idea.”

Louis gasps dramatically. “What is it?”

Zayn grabs Louis’ hand with a dopey smile, and Louis agrees to it. Louis can’t really tell, but Taylor knows that everything about this is an awful idea. This is certainly going to go down in flames.

“You know what this is gonna convey, right?” Taylor asks them as they walk in front of her, hand in hand through the entrance, only a hall and a door away from the actual event.

“I’m already getting sued, Taylor,” Louis points out, “whatever this creates, I can deal with. It’s just a statement. Nobody’s gonna take this seriously.”

“Are you sure about that?” Taylor asks them, none of them slowing down in their walk to their destination, “I mean, they took you and Eleanor seriously. They know you’re gay now, and that there was a relationship in the band. I’m positive you guys don’t know what sh--storm is waiting to happen once images get taken of you guys.”

Zayn shrugs. “How bad can it be?”

“This guy gets it!” Louis jokes.

“Shall we?” the younger asks, resulting in a big, hearty laugh from Louis.

“Yes, of course. Away to it now!”

When Zayn opens the door for the three of them, they’re immediately bombarded with professional camera people waiting to take images of each celebrity’s arrival. There was rushing of camera shutters, as per usual, before any of them paid attention to the actual situation.

“Hey, Tomlinson. Give us a smile,” they ask politely, and Louis gives his signature I’d-rather-be-anywhere-else smile. At least they weren’t paparazzi, he thinks.

While two other women were taking pictures of Taylor arriving near them, the woman taking pictures of Louis and Zayn finally realises how big of a deal it is that they walked in together.

“Is he your plus-one?” she asks, resulting in a nod from Louis.

“How’re you feelin’, Malik?”

“Good, good,” he replies with a lazy smile, “happy to be here. Thank you.”

They walk away from her, snickering to each other. Once the two sit down with Taylor, they flash her an identical “I told you so” face.

“It wasn’t that big of a deal,” Louis smugly smiles, “it’s just gonna give the media a little spice.”

“Lou didn’t come to play,” Zayn half-shouts in encouragement, “Harry thinks he can date some eighteen year old model? Hell nah. To hell with that bitch!”

“Oh,” Louis giggles, “no, no. Not bitch.”

“Not the girl,” Zayn clarifies, “Harry.”

Louis nods in understanding. “Oh, then. To hell with that _biiiiiiiiitch,”_ he jokes.

“You guys are so intoxicated,” the woman shakes her head at them, “this is gonna bite you both in the ass.”

Louis shrugs, smiling at his friend. His head is super foggy and he feels a little loopy, but it’s better than he’s been in a long time. He’s got his best friend back, which he’s beyond grateful for, even though the circumstances aren’t so good. His brain threatens to weigh the actual reality of his actions tonight, but Louis does his best to push it away. If he thinks too much about everything that’s happened to him, he’s most definitely gonna freak out. That is the actual recipe to an anxiety attack.

After the table’s order was taken for the main meal of the night, the trio decides to walk around and put money down on some things.

“Oh, Z!” Louis calls, and his friend walks up to him, wrapping his arm around his lower back, “Look, it’s a France trip. Isn’t that cool?”

“Lou, you know you can just buy that, right?” he jokes, and Louis laughs harder than necessary, his head falling back into Zayn’s chest.

“Not everyday does the money go to sick kids, Z,” the older man tells him, “I’m putting an auction down.”

Louis laughs quietly as he writes down $9,000. Zayn’s eyes widen as he sees the price, and asks his friend if he’s insane.

“Yo, a family of four to Paris is worth like 4k,” Zayn says, “this is two people. You overshot it by, like, seven thousand dollars.”

“It’s for the kids!” Louis cheers, breaking into laughter at himself. 

“Eh, you’re right,” the younger allows, tightening his grip around Louis, “no more spending that much money, though,” he teases.

“Why not?” Louis whines, downing the rest of the champagne in his hand, “I’ve got tons of it.”

“Not after you get sued, you won’t,” he whispers in his ear, “you don’t have a job.”

“I’m arguing against the lawsuit,” Louis whispers back, “that wasn’t Harry’s information to share. Plus, the only reason my label fired me was because I’m gay. They did it an hour after the interview was released. That’s too big of a coincidence,” he explains. “I’ll get my label back, and I’ll barely lose any money.”

Zayn sighs. Even in this state, he knows this isn’t going to end well.

“Look, Louis,” he places his hands on his shoulders, “we can fuck around at this party, I’m all for that. It’s fun to see the media go crazy over nothing, and especially to see Harry’s reaction,” he laughs a bit, “but you’ve gotta be real. I know you’re just acting out, this isn't how you normally act. Time and life doesn’t just stop happening because you decide you want to tap out. This is a genuine issue, and I’m here for you, but please realise that. Okay, man?”

“I’m a little too high to properly understand what you’ve just said,” Louis admits, “but you sound right and I’m sorry. I know I’ve been acting a little off today. It’s easier to pretend nothing actually matters.”

“I know that,” Zayn empathises, “ _believe_ me.”

Zayn tells Louis to stand up straight after his face drops into a frown.

“Come on, man,” he tells him, “it’s alright, okay?”

“Yeah, yeah,” he agrees, pulling down on his blazer to straighten it out, “let’s sit down before we see Harry, or something,” Louis says, “I don’t wanna see him.”

“Yeah, let’s go,” Zayn agrees, subconsciously taking his hand to lead them both back to their table.

“Why not?” Harry’s voice rings from behind them, “we can still be friends, can’t we?”

Louis takes a deep breath before turning around. “I don’t want to deal with this,” he whispers to Zayn.

“It’s okay.”

“Deal with what? Me?” Harry asks, and Louis notices the girl on his arm. Perfectly carved cheekbones, thin yet lively glossy pink lips, narrow blue eyes, and dirty blonde hair that seemed to go on for miles.

“This Lisa?” Zayn speaks up, and Harry looks a bit taken aback.

“Zayn?” he questions, “the hell are you doing here?”

“Civil, please,” the young girl requests, a blank expression on her perfectly painted portrait of a face. 

“Is _this_ happening?” Harry questions, ignoring his girlfriend.

“Sure, yeah,” Louis answers, “why not? Yeah, yeah it is.”

“Wow!” Harry chuckles, “you’re pretty funny, _babe,_ but that’s the _funniest thing you’ve ever said_ ,” he finishes bitterly, glaring at Zayn.

“Why do you even care?” Louis spits, “you didn’t care for the past year, why do you now?”

This is probably the model, Lisa’s, worst nightmare. Louis remembers reading up on her, she was a pretty big One Direction fan growing up.

“So, this is what they meant by One Direction having a dark side,” she whispers quietly, eyes wide as she observes everything go down.

“I care because,” Harry starts, green eyes in a flame like Louis has never seen them, “we break up, and you go to _him_?”

Louis scoffs loudly, laughing as he takes in what Harry just said.

“Are you insane? You’re mad at me? You didn’t even let our bed get cold before you got a girlfriend, Harry.”

“Fiancée,” Lisa corrects within a whisper.

“What did she just say?” Zayn questions, “did she just say _fiancée_?”

“Yeah, we’re engaged,” Harry confirms. “She’s pregnant, too.”

“Huh?” Louis questions, “what the hell? What the _actual_ fuck?”

Louis isn’t sure he’s ever felt more rage surge through his body at once. There’s no way this is real. He refuses to take Harry’s word for everything.

“What happened to you, man?” Zayn asks him, “this isn’t you. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong with me,” Harry laughs, “I’m just finally reaching my full potential.”

“Your full potential is an arrogant, stuck-up prick?” Zayn mumbles under his breath, earning an elbow and a quiet “stop,” from Louis.

“Well, yeah,” he says, “I’m better now. I don’t have to be dragged down anymore.”

“What does that mean, ‘dragged down’? Are you implying I’m the reason you weren’t at your ‘full potential’?!” Louis near-shouts in disbelief, “what has _happened_ to you?”

The three of them didn’t notice the small crowd and camera shutters that surrounded them in the middle of their fight, but Taylor was behind the mass, shaking her head to herself. She knows she’s going to deal with Zayn and Louis’ complaining when they realise she was right.

“I mean, yeah,” the tallest man of the group says, “it’s hard to flourish when you’re in a relationship with a man who's not as talented. Simple.”

Louis stared at him with his mouth dropped open, tilting his head to the side as he desperately tries to convince himself that the Harry he knows isn’t lost.

“The fuck does that mean, mate?” Zayn interjects, “you know that’s not true. You’re deliberately trying to hurt Louis.”

Harry only shrugs, “he started it.”

“You’re a child,” Zayn decides.

“How?! How did I ‘start’ this? I was walking away from you to prevent anything like this from happening!”

“You walk in here, all loved up with Zayn,” Harry explains, “did you not think about how I’d feel? Did you not consider my feelings?”

“Did you consider _my_ feelings when you knocked up an eighteen year old girl weeks after you kicked me out of our home?” 

“I didn’t show up with someone who used to be in love with me!” Harry fires.

”What?” Louis questions, genuinely confused.

”Dude, shut _up_ ,” Zayn begs Harry.

”You never told him?” Harry laughs at Zayn, “you seriously never told him you were in love with him?”

Louis’ eyebrows twisted in confusion. “Stop changing the subject! This is about you and your baby mama!”

“I’d prefer not to be dragged into this,” Lisa comments.

“Sorry,” Louis apologises, “really. I’m just mad, sort of drunk,” he laughs, “high, y’know?”

“Louis, no,” Zayn shakes his head, “don’t say that.”

Louis looks to the small crowd of people, which he’s barely able to see because of the blinding camera flashes. As he squints, he notices some reporters that he recognises. Isn’t that wonderful?

“Look what you did,” Harry shrugs, “ruining things as usual.”

Louis swooped up close to Harry, holding back whatever violent feeling surged through him. “Why the fuck are you acting like this?”

The taller man holds up his forearm against Louis’ chest, pushing him back. “Watch it, Tomlinson.”

“Harry—“ he complained, moving towards him again when Zayn holds Louis back. “I can’t do this any longer.”

Louis hangs his head as he accepts the fact that Harry’s just not who he used to be. He mentally decides to try and give up wishing things were different. They’ve already made a scene, and Louis knew better than to engage. This is on him. He needs to just let it go.

“I don’t…” Louis looks at Harry, “I don’t know.”

“What?”

“I don’t know you anymore,” he decides.

Louis walks off, making a beeline for the exit of the building. Zayn follows him, hoping that he can comfort him somehow.

“Wait, Louis!” Harry calls, suddenly struck with a nervous feeling.

“Fuck off,” Louis turns around, now walking backwards, “don’t talk to me, don’t text me, don’t ask me to come back like you did last year. I should’ve never returned to you. I’m done being the person waiting for you to figure out your issues.”

“What do you mean?” Harry questions sincerely. 

Louis stops walking. “When you cheated on me when we had that huge fight, remember?” Louis remembers, “I was worried about you, so I set up a therapy session. You cheated on me in return. The worst thing you could’ve ever done.”

“Louis—”

“I agreed to never talk about it because I believed you. It was a mistake and you were hurt. I blamed it on myself, and I tried to deal with you changing. When we had that long talk, and you made me regret leaving, there was something in me telling me not to come back. I should’ve let you go then.”

“I’m sorry,” Harry tells Louis, genuine tears streaming down his face, “I never wanted to hurt you.”

“You didn’t want to hurt me?” he asks, “that’s the _best_ you can do?”

Harry says nothing, and Louis sighs.

“Have a good life, Styles. You were the person who made me believe in soulmates. I wanted nothing more than to grow old with you.”

Harry only frowns, sighing through the tears rushing down his face. Louis tries his hardest not to care.

“You ruined that. If one day you finally get your head out of your ass, call me. Maybe we’ll work it out. Until then, bye,” Louis finishes. 

He shrugs as he turns back around, walking out of the building with Zayn, Taylor close behind.

“I’m expecting you to meet me at Taylor’s house,” the smaller man tells Zayn.

“With lots of liquor?”

“With lots of liquor.”


	3. three - kill my time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Puzzle pieeeeeces come tooogetheeer. The puzzzle is aaaalmooost finiiishedd

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> king zayn
> 
> song for this chapter is kill my time by 5 seconds of summer.

When Louis woke up the next afternoon, there was an awful pounding in the left side of his head. He can’t tell if his vision is blurred from the pain, or if it’s because he literally just woke up. Either way, both of those issues seem miniscule when he’s greeted with the memories from last night.

Harry said some horrible things to him. 

He said things Louis didn’t know he was capable of.

Harry shouted, and Louis yelled right back. It’s what he deserved, isn’t it?

For cheating on him back then, for outing him, for kicking him out of their home, for his nasty comments, the ridicule, or even the _betrayal,_ dare he say.

So why does Louis feel so bad about calling him out in front of a bunch of people? Why does he feel awful about something he reserved the right to do? 

Ultimately, Taylor was right. Louis should’ve never gone. He caused a scene that he knows is all over Twitter right now. Full of people taking Harry’s side, he assumes. It seems like something everyone’s doing a lot of lately, hasn’t it? People don’t think he’s aware of it, but Louis has seen it. He’s seen the threads upon threads of why he’s not good enough, why he’s not talented, why Harry was “right” to dump him. It was awful. The online comments never actually phased Louis. Not until now, at least. It’s why he can’t be on for longer than a few tweets to his own fanbase.

Louis plopped back down onto his bed, comforted by his expensive sheets against his shirtless figure.

“God, I hate this,” he whispers to himself.

He turns over and jolts, surprised when he notices Zayn fast asleep next to him. His blue eyes widen in shock, and he buries his face in his hands. He sighs deeply and groans. 

Louis’ life was absolutely, definitely, in every single way, a complete mess.

He gets off of his bed at once, trudging his way into Taylor’s kitchen, who was already up making breakfast for herself.

“Mornin’, killa,” she greets, making Louis’ face twist in ironic disgust.

“Please never say that again,” Louis requests.

She laughs, flipping the egg in her pan. “Did last night catch up to you yet?”

Louis sadly nods, leaning against the wall nearest to her with a frown. “Yeah, it did.”

“Even the fun parts?” she asks, amused at herself.

“Oi, shut up, would ya?” Louis says, “I don’t know how to deal with _that_.”

Taylor shrugs at him. “I don’t think he wants anything from you. You’re friends and you had fun, that’s it.”

“You weren’t there last night,” Louis tells her, “Harry said he used to be _in love_ with me. I don’t want what we did to get misconstrued into me leading him on. We were drunk.”

“Oh, Louis,” Taylor sighs. “You’re overthinking again. He’s been over that for years.”

“I don’t know if I am,” Louis says, walking into the kitchen to brew himself a cup of coffee.

“If I ever moved on from Harry, he’d still be my kryptonite if I saw him years later.”

“That’s different though. You guys loved each other, you saw the best parts and worst parts of each other and learned to live with it. It was eleven years, Louis. Of _course_ he’s going to be your kryptonite. Zayn had a crush on you, fell in love, and got over it within a year. It’s a bit different.”

“If Harry saw it, though…”

“Is Harry exactly someone you’d trust right now?” Taylor reasons, which shuts Louis right up. 

She wasn’t wrong.

Deciding to change the subject, he smirks. “How did you know? Am I the only one who didn’t know he had a thing for me?”

“Pretty much,” the woman confirms.

“Damn.”

All of a sudden, Taylor and Louis are jolted by the quick slam of a door.

“Was that Zayn?” she questions, “uh oh.”

Louis walks back to his room, or what he claims as his room, and finds an absence where his friend once was. 

Approaching Taylor again, he nods. 

“Yeah,” he tells her quietly, “that was him. So, ‘uh oh’ is right.”

“Maybe it has nothing to do with what happened,” she offers, “he’s a busy man.”

Louis nods, agreeing to accept the optimistic side for the first time in a while. 

“Yeah, maybe you’re right.”

“If I’m not, though, are you ready to confront whatever that,” she waves her hand around in the direction of the front door, “was?”

“Don’t know, but I’m gonna have to be, aren’t I? I don’t want to lose him again.”

“That’s fair,” she frowns a bit, “I really am sorry all of this is happening.”

Louis shrugs, sighing deeply as he puts a bit of creamer in his coffee. He didn’t really know what or how to feel. Every time he begins to feel a little better, he’s reminded he doesn’t have a job anymore, or that he has a court case in about three weeks, he dies a little inside. It’s not the money he has an issue with. Money was never his problem with this. 

The problem is, it’s likely going to stunt him from getting signed to a good label ever again. If only there was a way to get his ex-managers to revoke the charges. Yeah, there isn’t. Not a legal way, at least.

. . . 

Zayn pounded on Harry’s door in a close to hysteric rage.

“Open up, Styles!” he demands, continuing to bang on his door. “Now, please!”

The door unfastens a few seconds later to unveil a very, very annoyed Harry.

“What do you _want_?” Harry asks angrily, “can’t you guys ever leave me alone?”

Zayn shakes his head ‘no’ as he pushes the taller man into his apartment, closing the door behind the both of them.

“‘Shows what kind of guy he is’, really, Harry? What the hell is wrong with you?” he questions him, throwing his hands up in exasperation.

“Does it not?!” Harry shrieks, “why are you guys always cornering me? What did I _do?_ ”

“You’re being a piece of shit, that’s what,” Zayn tells him, “the fuck got into you? There’s no explanation for this. I’ve known about this behaviour for about a week and I’m sick of it. Imagine how Lou feels. He’s dealt with it for nearly a year.”

“Oh,” Harry sarcastically laughs, “I see what this is.”

“What do you mean? This _isn’t_ anything. It’s _about_ to be me kicking your ass, though.”

“You, coming over here. Defending Louis,” the green-eyed man explains with a smile, “you’re still in love with him. That’s the only way.”

Zayn rolls his eyes. “I don’t have to be in love with my friend to realise that he doesn’t deserve to be treated this way by you. You’re torturing him, Harry. Outing him publicly, or even at all, was _enough._ You don’t even have the decency to not shove your new fiancée or child in his face. You can’t even be nice to him! That’s the _bare minimum,_ Harry.”

Harry stares at the man for a second, as if he’s deciding what to do next.

“I want you to get out of my house.”

“Why? Because I’m right? And you have no reason to treat Louis the way you’ve been?”

“Get out, Malik,” Harry threatens with a cunning smile, eyes narrowing, “I’m not gonna tell you again.”

“Okay, okay,” Zayn shrugs, “I’ll leave. But just one more thing?”

“What’s that?” Harry asks, glaring at his old friend slowly inching toward him, before he falls to the ground out of pure force.

“Fuck‘s sake!” Harry complains, “ow?!”

Zayn shrugs again, shaking out his hand. “We all deserve a swift strike to the jaw every now and then. Keeps us humble.”

. . .

“What’s up, Z?” Louis asks once he picks up his phone.

“ _I_ _gotta talk to you_.”

“Now’s not really a good time,” Louis tells him, “I’m driving to the hospital.”

“ _The hospital?_ ” Zayn asks worriedly, “ _why the hospital?_ ”

Louis groans. “I got a call. Harry’s in. Apparently I’m still his emergency contact and not his lovely little lady,” he scoffs with a laugh.

“ _Don’t tell Harry you talked to me._ ”

“What? Zayn? What’s going on?”

“ _I hit him,_ ” Zayn admits, “ _that’s most likely why you were called_.”

Louis almost misses a red light when he hears what was just said. Slamming on his breaks, he yells an unintelligible noise and hits his steering wheel.

“You did _what_?”

“ _I’m sorry. I went over to talk to him about a statement he made last night and I just_ ,” he sighs, “ _he’s being an ass_.”

“I know that, but _I_ haven’t assaulted him! People know you were with me! I don’t need this right now! I’m already being sued. You don’t need a lawsuit hanging over your head either. If Harry decides to go public with this, which he probably will, it’s both of our asses. Not just yours.”

“ _I’m sorry, Lou. I’ll fix it._ ”

“No, you won’t,” Louis decides, “I will. I’m fixing this. I’m not giving him another reason to press charges against you.”

Zayn was silent.

“If this were any other situation, I’d be joking around with you about it. This doesn’t equate to fighting on the playground. So, I’m pissed. But I appreciate the thought. You’re a top man. I’ve just got to go deal with this now.”

“ _Good luck_ ,” he says.

“Thank you,” Louis replies before hanging up the phone. 

Parking his car, he exits it, and slams the door shut.

“Fuck!”

Louis walks up to the entrance of the hospital, mentally preparing himself for the shitshow that was inevitably waiting for him behind Harry’s hospital room door.

Past the rude receptionist and a few people who recognised him, he finally made it to Harry’s room. Now, Louis didn’t have any expectations whatsoever. But, meeting a crying Harry sitting alone in fluorescent lights with a bandage on his jaw? That wasn’t anything he could’ve foreseen.

When Harry noticed that the door opened, he looked up with his puppy-like tear stained eyes. It was enough to make Louis himself cry. He looked so hurt, so tired, so… innocent.

“Baby,” he says, scanning Louis as he walks near him. Harry reaches for him with grabby hands, “I missed you. I’m scared.”

Louis’ was confused, yet his heart melted on the spot. This was the first of the real Harry he’s seen in months. He’s hoping he stays like this for a while longer, and maybe even Louis can try and talk the doctors into examining him further. Nothing will change Louis’ mind. There has been something wrong with Harry for months—this isn’t him. He’ll say it over and over again if he has to.

“I’m here, I’m here,” Louis tells him, hesitantly letting the man take his hand. “What’s up?”

“They took me in for a brain scan,” Harry tells him, “it made this _wrrrrr_ noise and it kinda freaked me out, but, what can you do, you know?”

The smaller man smiled genuinely at him. 

“Yeah, those can be scary. How’re you feeling, babe?”

It just slipped out, but Harry looked delighted when the pet name came from his mouth.

“Sad, mostly,” he shrugs, “I’m tired and the results won’t come back for hours.”

“Mm,” Louis hums, rubbing his thumb over Harry’s hand, “how’s your jaw?”

“It hurts,” Harry admits, “I don’t know why Zayn would do that.”

Wait a minute.

“Do… do you not remember what happened?”

Harry shakes his head with another shrug. “No, what?”

They were interrupted when a doctor with a solemn expression walked in the door.

“Mr. Styles, is he family?”

Harry looks at Louis worriedly, and Louis squeezes his hand in reassurance.

“I am, yeah.”

. . .

“You punched Harry?” Taylor asks in disbelief, “are you out of your mind?”

Zayn sighs in annoyance. “I’m not going over this with you, too! He was being a dick. He deserved it.”

Taylor rolls her eyes as she presses on the brake pedal. “He might’ve deserved it, but you probably just got yourself in a whole boatload of trouble, Z! You know how Harry’s been acting for the past few months. He’s basically dangerous.”

“Let’s just get to the hospital, shall we? Louis seemed real upset on the phone.”

“Yeah, he did,” Taylor agrees, “I hope nothing’s too bad. You better hope it isn’t, either.”

The pair spend the rest of the twenty minute car drive in silence, except for the radio playing low in the background. Neither of them knew what to anticipate. It was anxiety-inducing, to say the very least, waiting for something that could either be a not such a big deal, or a giant one. These days, it was hard to tell which they’d encounter.

When they’re finally inside the hospital as visitors, they’re quickly greeted with a beyond upset-looking Louis.

“How is it?”

“Bad,” Louis tells them honestly, “really, really bad.”

Sitting his best friends down and explaining to him what’s wrong with Harry wasn’t the easiest task. It was hard to explain to them the reason behind all his behavior, why his lack of judgement was stunted and why his reasoning was dodgy. Why he couldn’t make good decisions, the complete personality change. It was hard to explain why sometimes he’d float into his real personality for only minutes at a time. 

Louis never thought he’d have to tell people that Harry, _his_ Harry, had to endure a high-risk surgery. Telling Taylor and Zayn that there was a large mass invading a place where it should never invade was hard. Watching them piece it all together, even after Louis explained it hurt too. It’s like every single question, big or small, they had about Harry was answered.

It sucks that something the size of a golf ball was such a big deal. It sucks that it’s worse than it could’ve been, had they caught it last year. How was Louis to know, even when he tried? It explains his headaches, his callousness, the way he’d done all these terrible things.

The mental damage done to Louis is irreparable, but all he feels right now is sorry for Harry. He’s so, so sorry. Even when he noticed something was wrong, he didn’t _force_ Harry like someone who loved him enough would. He feels insecure, but Louis realises it’s not the right time to.

“She said that through their testing, it’s been growing for about three years, but only posed a problem last year,” Louis shrugged, wiping a few tears away, “and the reason why he was completely fine and didn’t remember anything he did within the past few hours is because it started touching an area,” he hiccups, “that affects memory. So he’s kinda just floating around in mental purgatory right now. He’s not sure what he did over the past few months, but he recognises me and everyone he knows. It’s weird.”

He tries to calm himself down, taking deep breaths as Zayn and Taylor whisper apologies, muffled by tears of their own.

“So, thank you, Zayn,” Louis laughs through tears, “thank you so much for punching him. You might as well have saved his life.”

Zayn nodded silently, sore inside for some reason. Of course he’s happy that Harry has a chance to make it out of this. Of course he’s happy that Louis finally was convinced he’s not insane, and that something was wrong all along, but something hurt. He still sees the love in Louis’ actions and eyes when he talks or thinks about Harry, and that ignites some weird fire inside of him. He thought he left this in 2013.

“When, uh,” he starts, clearing his throat, “when is the surgery?”

Louis sniffles a bit, “they, uh, they’re prepping him right now, actually,” he says, “yeah, and it’s terrifying. He has to be awake during it.”

“Awake?!” Taylor whisper-shrieks, “that’s outrageous.”

“Yeah,” Louis agrees, “he has to play his guitar during some parts and everything. To make sure they don’t hit a part of his brain that affects his memory negatively, you know what I mean?”

The pair acts like they do, and Louis departs from them to say goodbye to Harry before he’s taken into the room.

“They’re gonna go in through a part in my hair, Lou,” Harry tells him excitedly, “so they don’t have to shave my head! This is probably the best part about this, truth be told.”

Louis nods with a bittersweet smile. “So, you seriously don’t remember everything that went down in the past few months?”

Harry shook his head. He looked silly with the cap on over his hair. 

“No, I don’t. What happened? Why won’t you tell me what happened?” 

One of the nurses looked at Louis sadly.

“If this goes well, he’s gonna remember what he did. Taking his real personality in consideration, you probably know better than anyone how he’s gonna react. I know what he did was scarring,” she whispered to him, “and it’s not my place, but he’s going to need you more than anyone during this recovery. I can tell you’re his rock.”

Harry laughs a little to himself. “You guys are scaring me. I hope I didn’t do anything too bad.”

Louis widens his eyes at the nurse, but smiles softly. She was kind.

“It’ll be something we worry about later, darling,” Louis decides, smiling when Harry pulls him in by his neck.

For the first time in nine months, their lips meet. When the warmth of Harry passes through Louis, starting on his lips and spreading down to his toes, leaving butterflies in his stomach on the way, he felt as if all his problems were solved. He felt happy, weirdly. 

“I love you,” Harry says first, a rare thing for him to say at all lately, “I can’t wait to see you,” he sniffles.

Like it was a cue, Louis bursts into tears at the reality of this situation. 

“It’s okay to not be strong,” he tells Harry, “it’s okay to be scared.”

“The only thing I’m scared of is the chance of you ever not loving me,” Harry smiles, a brave smile in the face of all of this. Everything that could go wrong has gone wrong. Harry’s still smiling somehow. 

“I promise I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you,” Harry swears, “I don’t ever want you to feel like you’re not loved by me. You’ll always be loved by me.”

With a kiss goodbye, that’s all Louis needed to be optimistic again. He didn’t know if this would ever be fixed, but now, with a breath of fresh air, maybe it’s more possible than he thought. Harry will be alright, Louis tells himself as he exits the hospital for fresh air, this can’t be the way the story ends. It’s just the end of a bad chapter, really. Louis doesn’t find himself putting down the pen anytime soon.


	4. four - fireside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis and Harry finally find themselves right where they started.
> 
> They’re just in a weirder place this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH BOOOOOOOOOY.  
> song for this chapter is fireside by arctic monkeys !

Louis spent most of the ten hour procedure pacing. He also spent a lot of it ignoring his friends when they told him to rest, because how could he? This very well could be a life or death situation.

And Louis is not going to sleep even if there’s the smallest chance someone he loves won’t make it.

“What if this just makes him worse and doesn’t fix him?” 

“Why would you say that?” Louis asks, “Niall, really, why did you think that was something that should’ve ever come out of your mouth?”

Obviously Louis wasn’t doing well when Liam and Niall flew in for extra support. It’s not their fault at all, it’s really just Louis’ nerves, but he kind of wants to punch them in the face. Oh well.

“That would be horrid,” Liam replies with a gasp, “seriously awful.”

“Shut up, Liam,” Zayn tells him.

“Missed you too, buddy,” Liam says sarcastically, looking at Niall while pointing at Zayn, “get a load of this guy.”

“Louis, did you and Zayn seriously—”

“Niall, I’m _begging_ you to shut your mouth.”

Taylor laughs in the corner at the guys, shaking her head and trying not to snort too loud.

“You think just because you’re a woman I won’t put you in a headlock? I’ll end you, Taylor. I’ll do it.”

“I’d like to see that,” Liam comments, “you know Louis is too soft to do it.”

“True,” Niall adds.

“This isn’t funny,” Louis tells them, “I get you’re just trying to make the best out of a bad situation, but I’m freaking out right now and you’re not helping.”

A collective “sorry” came from the group, and for the first time in hours, Louis sits down. He meant to just rest his feet, but he ended up passing out for about eight hours. It was almost ruined by the group who very loudly high fived when they saw his eyes closed.

He was actually asleep when the doctor returned, letting the group know that everything went amazingly and Harry’s in recovery. Taylor made an executive decision to not wake him up until he woke up himself, preferring to greet him with good news when he’s had enough rest.

When he finally did wake up, he was alone. His friends weren’t in sight, and the waiting room was fairly idle. 

Anxiety filled his stomach when he walked his way to the receptionist, asking for an update on Harry. She smiled and gave him good news, letting Louis know that he could visit him now. 

He wasn’t much for dancing at all, really he was quite awful, but he felt as if he could leap down the halls happily. He didn’t, though, because that’s stupid and he’s in public. 

Really, though, Louis was excited. He was ecstatic and hopeful. He didn’t have much of that these days, and the sole fact that the reason he’s elated is because he has a good chance of getting _his_ Harry back was thrilling.

He stopped himself before he turned into the hall that holds Harry’s room. Louis knows that this recovery—physical _and_ mental—won’t be easy. He knows that if Harry is willing, there’s going to be a lot of growing and working through things. Louis isn’t sure he’s ready for that, given the circumstances, but he’ll have to try, right? If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work. Louis can’t control destiny nor can he assume that this will be easy, but if it’s in the cards for them, he’s positive it’ll work out.

He feels a bit betrayed when he sees Taylor, Zayn, Liam, and Niall in the room already. Why on earth wouldn’t they wake him up? Louis decides that’s besides the point, really, because Harry’s sitting up and talking, smiling with everyone and laughing. It’s the best sight Louis has seen probably ever. 

When he walks in the door, though, Harry goes silent and his face drops. 

“Hey, Lou,” he says quietly.

“Hi, Haz,” Louis greets back, unable to control the smile that plasters itself on his face when Harry’s mouth breaks into a grin at the name.

The rest of the group in the room also fall silent when Louis approaches Harry, sitting next to him and grabbing his hand. 

“How are you?” Louis whispers.

“Better than I’ve been in a long time,” Harry tells him, “but I think we both know that we have a lot of things to talk about.”

“We do, yeah,” the older man agrees, “but for right now, let’s just be happy that you’re okay.”

“Isn’t it hard for you to be around me?” Harry questions, clearly uncomfortable and emotional right now. Louis only shrugs in response.

“Look, Harry,” Louis squeezes his hand in assurance, “the man who hurt me wasn’t you. I’m happy _you’re_ back.”

Harry began tearing up at the sentiment. “I’m so sorry,” he says, barely above a whisper.

Louis nodded, rubbing his thumb over Harry’s cheek to brush some of his tears away. “Let’s focus on recovery right now, okay?”

He nods in agreement, but speaks his mind anyway.

“I have so much to say to you,” Harry tells him, taking his other hand in his own, “I’m so lucky that you don’t hate me.”

“I could never hate you,” he replies simply.

“You should’ve.”

Louis takes a deep breath and shrugs. He knew Harry was right.

. . . 

_“Harry, can you hurry this up please?” Louis asks his boyfriend in irritation. “We’re gonna lose our reservation.”_

_Harry rolls his eyes at Louis. “You can’t rush perfection, Louis!”_

_Louis only groans in response. “Well, can you at least try a little?”_

_“Just push the reservation by like thirty minutes,” Harry suggests, “I won’t be too much longer.”_

_“I can’t push it any more,” he explains, “I’ve already pushed it five times.”_

_“You’re rich,” Harry jokes, “offer them a two thousand dollar tip if they let you change the reservation.”_

_He laughs a little even though he’s still annoyed. Harry always had that effect on him. He’s glad he picked someone that makes him happy even when he’s annoyed at him. There was really no logical explanation for it._

_“I just don’t know why you decided to bake a cake right now,” Louis tells him, “surely there was a better time for this.”_

_Harry turns around with a dopey grin on his face, flour in random parts of his hair and in a smear on his cheek._

_“I had an urge to bake a cake. So, I’m baking said cake.”_

_Louis widens his eyes in mock-amusement. Except it really wasn’t fake, he adores everything about Harry. His growing impulsivity seemed to irk Louis just a little bit though._

_“Okay, love.”_

_“Why do you even want to go to dinner so bad?” Harry questions as he ices his cake. “You know I can cook well,” he reasons, getting up and making his way over to his boyfriend._

_Wrapping his arms around Louis’ lower back and pulling him in to kiss the side of his jaw, Harry smirks. “Really well.”_

_The older of the two rolls his eyes with a loud cackle, pushing Harry off of him. “Finish your cake, dork.”_

_Harry does so, laughing to himself every now and then. Louis wasn’t sure what was so funny, but it was such a cute sight to see that Louis didn’t want to say anything and ruin it. As long as Harry was smiling, everything was right in the world._

_Louis was a firm believer in the way Harry’s eyes would shine the prettiest green when he smiled. He was devoted to the way his cheeks would turn the slightest bit pink when he laughed, or the feeling of laying his head on his chest when Harry was in a deep sleep. Louis has and always will love everything about Harry. From the way he crosses his ankles, to the way his hair curls uniquely at his roots when it grows in new. All of it was so weirdly mesmerising. Harry could make the most obscene comment and Louis would still be sitting around wondering how he got so lucky._

_The same went for Harry, too. He isn’t sure anything will ever make him feel the way he did when he set his eyes on Louis for the first time. Each day getting to wake up next to him is a complete blessing and he_ knows _it. Harry was sure when he developed this little crush on Louis back when he was sixteen, it wasn’t going to amount to anything. But here they are, living together and talking about their futures. Harry didn’t know a relationship, especially like theirs, could be as healthy as it is. They fit together as if they were specifically made for one another. It seemed way too good to be true. This is everything anyone could ever wish for, isn’t it?_

_The best thing hadn’t even happened yet, either. Today, celebrating their ten years together, Harry’s finally going to propose._

_He almost can’t believe it._

_It would go so much better if Louis would just shut his mouth about the reservation and let Harry do it._

_“You know what?” Louis speaks up, walking over to where Harry’s standing. “I can’t wait any longer.”_

_Confused, Harry lets out a concerned hum. “What’s wrong, Lou?”_

_“Turn around, would ya?”_

_Harry does as told, almost choking on the icing he slipped a taste of with the sight he was greeted with._

_“I love you,” Louis said, “and this position is really uncomfortable.”_

_The younger man laughs at him, tears welling up in his eyes. He and Louis really had the same exact idea for today. The sight of Louis down on one of his knees is something Harry was more than willing to obsess over._

_“I’ve always loved you,” he continues, “and the only reason I was rushing you to get done with your… cake making... is because I’ve wanted to do this for so long. I wanted to wait until everyone knew about us so that we could be cheesy and romantic publicly and in peace._

_“But I’ve learned that’s not the way the world works. I don’t know how long it’s gonna be until we get to share this with the rest of the world, and I don’t want to wait years until I can finally marry you.”_

_Harry’s struggling so hard to not interrupt him right now. He’s so elated. Louis smirks at him, knowing Harry’s only seconds from interjecting a huge “yes”, but he really just wants to get everything he planned to say out._

_“I knew from the first day that you’d be the one I would want to grow old with. I just didn’t know that you’d ever feel the same. I’m so completely lucky that you ever gave me a chance. I feel so lame compared to all the awesome you are,” Louis trails off, and Harry pretends not to notice his tears, “God, you brighten every room you walk into. Everyone’s eyes are always on you. I can’t begin to explain how amazed I am at everything you do.”_

_Harry’s so mad at Louis right now. He interfered with his baking to make him cry. Harry is crying his eyes out when he could’ve been happily baking a cake._

_Louis is lucky Harry loves him so much._

_“And, with all that brilliance, you could’ve had anyone you wanted,” Louis tells him, “yet you chose to give me a chance. You chose to love me. I’m forever grateful that the cards were played that way..”_

_“Louis, you sap,” Harry jokes, burying his face in his hands with a big smile._

_“Look at me, babe. You can’t hide during the most important part.”_

_Harry removes his hands from his eyes and smiles at his boyfriend. Boyfriend, wow. That’s the last time he’s ever going to call Louis that. Soon it’ll be fiancé, then after it’ll be husband. Harry’s sure he’s never been happier._

_“A greater force had to have been on my side to keep you next to me,” he continues, “I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to deserve the love you give me every single day._

_“Speaking of the rest of my life,” Louis finally opens the little red box, “are you in this for the rest of yours? ‘Cause, babe, I have been since the second I laid eyes on you.”_

_“Duh,” Harry accepts._

_Louis smirks. “You’ll marry me?”_

_“Are you insane?” he asks in reply, “‘course I will.”_

_“Fuck yes!” Louis cheers, getting off the floor to wrap his fiancé in a hug._

_When he places the ring on Harry’s finger, Harry starts crying again._

_“What’s wrong?”_

_Harry only smiles to himself. “The ring is hidden in the cake.”_

_Louis’ jaw drops. “The what now?”_

_“I was proposing today, too,” Harry shrugs, as if it’s no big deal, “it’s in the cake, you loser.”_

_His fiancé shakes his head. “You’re insane,” he compliments, leaning in for their first kiss as fiancé’s._

_“It’s the same fucking one too,” Harry whispers on his lips, “the same fucking ring.”_

_“You’re lying! You’re a fucking liar, Styles.”_

_Harry insists he’s not, and later proves it. It was, indeed, the same exact ring._

_They were both pretty drunk on champagne when Harry finally found it, so his proposal was a little bit… different._

_“Louis Tomlinson,” Harry announces, getting on his knee with the assistance of Louis’ shoulder, “the love of my life. My one and only. Will you do me the glorious honour of,” he stops to hiccup and burp._

_“Hold on a minute.”_

_“Okay,” Louis allows._

_“Ahem,” Harry begins again, “will you do me for the rest of our lives?” he asks, holding up the ring._

_“Of course I will!” Louis laughs, smiling lazily as Harry slips the ring onto his finger. “Shall we begin the rest of our lives now?”_

_“Yes, we shall!”_

. . .

A few days later, Louis finally gets Harry alone. Harry’s already well enough to walk, so they decide to go down to the hospital cafeteria together. It’s insane how amazingly he’s progressing. The little scar peeking out from his forehead is quite cute too, according to Louis. 

Louis doesn’t even know how to start the conversation they need to have.

“Hi,” Harry says shyly. “This is what I think it is, right?”

Louis nods in confirmation. “I just don’t know how to even begin to talk to you about this.”

“I’ve hurt you,” Harry states obviously. “I hurt you in a lot of ways when I didn’t even know what was happening.”

“Yeah,” the smaller man says. “You can imagine how difficult this is for me, yeah?”

Harry nods sadly, and Louis takes his hand for good measure.

“Before I say anything, I need you to know that I still…” he takes a deep breath, “I still have feelings for you. That’s never changed. You’re still the one I love most in the world.”

“And I love you,” Harry confirms. He’s already starting to tear up and it’s ripping Louis’ heart out. He doesn’t know if he’s strong enough to do this.

“But every time I look at you now, I see the man who cheated on me, I see the man who packed up my things and kicked me out of our house. Who publicly outed me, insulted me, and…” Louis struggles to not cry when Harry starts to.

“I know it wasn’t you, Harry,” Louis tells him, “I knew there was something wrong.”

He nods as he takes in Louis’ words.

“It hurts because that man just looked an awful lot like you.”

Harry looks down at his lap, tears almost drowning him when he begins to hiccup.

“You can’t take back the things it made you do even if you tried, Harry. I know you’ll try. You’ll work so hard for things to go back to the way it was, but it’s not going to happen. Things will never go back to normal. They never _were_ normal.”

For the millionth time, Harry nods. It hurts Louis so much to see the man he missed so much in front of him and not being strong enough to go back to him. It just doesn’t work like that.

“And I love you, Harry,” Louis tells him just above a whisper, “I will never stop loving you. We just can’t erase the past year.”

Harry breaks out in a louder sob, clutching his chest with his other hand as he continues to look down. 

“If I had,” he starts, clearing his throat, “if I had any control, I would’ve never done those things to you. I hate that you ever had to deal with something like this. I hate that it was me that put you through it.”

Louis releases Harry’s hand and walks over to the other side of the booth, scooting in closer to the younger man. He brings him in for a much needed hug.

“I know, Haz, I do,” he tells him, clutching onto Harry for dear life. He missed this more than he could ever express. “It wasn’t you. I know that. It just hurts right now.”

He leans back, allowing Harry to wipe his tears off his face. 

Louis wastes no time bringing Harry’s face up with his fingertips. “Look at me.”

Harry does so reluctantly, trying to smile in the face of Louis’ broken grin.

What he does next surprises even Louis, let alone Harry. He leans in and kisses him for only the second time in the past nine or ten months, and Harry pulls away with a more convincing smile.

“I love you,” Louis repeats for the nth time, “whatever you do, don’t forget that.”

“I won’t,” Harry smirks, deciding to try and lighten the mood, “not when you’re still wearing the ring I gave you.”

Louis widened his eyes, looking down at his left hand. He hadn’t even noticed that. Had he really been wearing it all these months?

“Mm, that’s really funny,” Louis whispers, “especially when you told me that saying yes to my proposal was a mistake.”

“Louis!” Harry almost shrieks, “that’s not funny!”

He only shrugs. “My trauma, my jokes.”

“I guess so,” Harry rolls his eyes playfully, “hey.”

“What’s up?”

“I love you,” he tells him.

Louis smiles uncontrollably, scowling at Harry when he smirks at the effect he’s had on the older man.

“I think that’s what I love most about you,” Harry says, “no matter how much you ‘change’, you’re still exactly like the eighteen year old boy I fell in love with.”

“Shut up,” Louis insists, unable to contain the blush building up on his cheeks.

“So, seriously,” Harry says when Louis gets up to move back to his side, “where do we go from here? How do we start _us_ again? Do you even want to?”

Louis nods with a small smile. “Of course I do. Still, it’s going to take me some time, but you’re still my favourite person. In reality, I imagine you’d break up with Lisa first.”

Harry snorts. “You think I haven’t already?”

Louis tries to stifle a smile. “You didn’t. You’re a liar.”

“I did,” Harry says, “I promise. I’m still gonna be in our, uh,” he coughs, “ _child’s_ life, but.”

Louis sighs in content. He doesn’t really know how to describe what he’s feeling right now. It’s something mixed with happiness, anxiety, and dread. It’s a weird sensation, but he’s trying to focus on the positive emotions and the weight lifted off his chest. Looking at Harry now, the Harry he remembers, makes him happier than words can express. Life surrounding him and Harry and really everything is going to be so much different now. Louis still can’t tell if he’s well-equipped for it. He wants to believe he’ll be okay if he’s got Harry, but that’s cheesy and he refuses to say that out loud.

“Did you find out the gender?” Louis questions, genuinely curious.

He watches as Harry’s face lights up, going on and on about how much he’s wanted a daughter and how thrilled he is that soon he’ll have one. He doesn’t like the circumstances, of course, but he’s absolutely ecstatic about becoming a father. It’s all he’s ever wanted.

“She’s not even born yet and she’s the best thing to come out of fuckface.”

Louis snorts out a laugh. “Fuckface? Isn’t that a bit derogatory?”

Harry scrunches his eyebrows together in confusion, trying to figure out what Louis meant.

“Oh!” Harry laughs, “not Lisa, my God. Sweet girl, but she’s eighteen. I’m _thirty_. Fuckface is what I’m calling the tumour.”

Louis grins at Harry again. “I’m so glad you’re okay.”

They finally decide to eat after about thirty minutes of talking. Louis is surprised at how quickly they can just fit right back together like nothing had even changed in the first place. The hospital food was, let’s face it, not the best, but he was beyond grateful for any moment he got to spend with Harry. Talking to him was easier than he’d presumed, and he was grateful for that, too. 

Joking around and laughing with Harry was what Louis surely missed the most.

Of course there were other things he missed, but those aren’t as important as being assured that Harry’s okay is.

“Okay, okay,” Harry says, “I’ve gotta know. Did you and Zayn…”

“Ugh!” Louis dramatically sets his head down on the table. “Don’t make me talk about it!”

Harry snorted, smiling and laughing even though he was secretly a little upset. It wasn’t in his control.

“What? Was it bad?”

Louis looked away from Harry. “This is embarrassing.”

“ _Whyyyyyy_?”

“Because I cried, Harry!” Louis blurts, “I was,” he nodded his head to imply what he was getting at, “you know? Then just started _sobbing_.”

“Why?” Harry questions, shaking his head.

“‘Cause drunk me thought I was cheating on you. I felt awful.”

Harry tilted his head to the side as he got a good look at Louis. Even though he was still around him during his _sickness_ , Harry’s real personality was hidden, even from himself. Sitting in front of Louis makes him realise how much he missed out on in reality. He loves him so much, everything about him. How could he not? 

“So, how’s this going to work? How will I end up with you?”

The smaller man flashes his blue eyes at the younger. “It’s us, Harry. We’re gonna end up together, like it or not. The world has more of a say in our relationship than we do.”

“Oh, yeah?” Harry teases, “I’ve heard what destiny has to say. What have you got to say?”

Louis shrugs. “We could start with a first date.”

“Mm, really?” Harry questions, rubbing his socked foot over Louis’ ankle, “don’t you mean second?”

“Second, huh?” Louis asks, “are you counting this as a first, then?”

“Our first date can be whatever you’d like,” Harry mentions cryptically. “I kind of _have_ to comply, don’t I?”

“It’s nice to know that tumour didn’t take your libido,” the shorter teases. “What are you thinking, seducing me on the first date?”

Harry narrows his eyes playfully at the man across from him. He’s gonna have to chase him, aren’t he? He can’t tell if this’ll be fun or not. Harry’s thinking it will be.

“Oh, so this _is_ the first date?” he asks, “we’re starting over, aren’t we?”

Louis nodded, smiling at the man he loves. He looks down at the ring Harry gave him last year and takes it off. Pushing it into his pocket, he looks at Harry with an inviting smoulder.

“Clean slate.”

“Clean slate,” Harry confirms. “I think we hit it off. Why wait ‘til the second date?”

Louis shrugs. “I don’t know, what are you planning for our second?”

“Do you not remember what we did on our real second date? You know, back in the day?”

Of course he does. For the sake of flirting, though, he pretends he doesn’t.

“Mm mm,” Louis hums negatively, “what did we do, Harry?”

“September 30th, 2011,” Harry recites, “twelve years ago next month. A movie and dinner, a juvenile setup since we were young. After? Well,” he lowers his voice to a whisper, “that’d be indecent to say, wouldn’t it?”

Louis would be lying if he said this wasn’t working. Giving in, he jokes.

“So, do we go find a supply closet or something?”

Throwing his head back in laughter, the sound from Harry was delightful. He smiled a bit, taking a drink of his water, and then looked back up at Louis.

“No, but really, I do actually have an idea for our ‘second date’.”

“What is it?”

“Getting your job back,” Harry replies, “I made a few calls.”

“Harry…”

“After I updated mine on the situation, I called your managers. I let them know that there’s reason to prove in court they let you go based on their personal beliefs, AKA, literal homophobia, and they conceded. They should’ve emailed you about an hour ago. Your record label should actually be calling you soon to confirm a meeting.”

Louis shakes his head as a grin spreads on his face. He covers his mouth as happy tears spring out of his eyes and down his face.

“Your managers are dipshits though. We should get you some better ones as soon as possible. They kind of only took you back because diversity would be good for their publicity, but—“

“Who cares?” Louis shouted in excitement, “we can deal with that when I switch labels altogether, but holy shit. You’re not messing with me, are you?”

“I’m not. Promise.”

Harry giggled loudly as Louis made his way over to Harry’s side of the booth, practically choking him out with the strength of the hug he gave him.

“Maybe I _will do_ you in a supply closet!”

Louis said that a touch too loud, as innocent people looked bewildered at the statement, but Harry obviously didn’t care. He climbed into Louis’ lap as best he could before grabbing his face and kissing him rather harshly. 

“I don’t even know what to say,” Louis tells him, brushing Harry’s hair out of his face. “Thank you.”

“You don’t have to keep saying it, you know,” Harry mentions, “it’s the least I could do.”

The pair make their way back to Harry’s room eventually, laughing and leaning on each other the entire way back. 

Once inside and Harry settles back into his bed, Louis checks the door for a lock.

It clicks, and the other man in the room lets out a booming laugh. “Lou!”

He says nothing, and only closes the shuttered blinds.

“You are _32_ , Louis.”

“And?” he teases, reaching for the top buttons on his shirt. “I think we postponed our second date long enough.”


	5. five - lover of mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry and Louis fall back into their usual rhythm. 
> 
> For the first time, Louis believes that things are right in the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last regular chapter before the epilogue :) i hope you guys enjoyed this... my friend and i really just went on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster with this. i know it’s a little short, but that’s how it’s supposed to be. we don’t really know everything about anyone’s life. i want to leave that open ended— for maybe what you believe were louis’ struggles getting over what harry did.  
> the events in this chapter aren’t the last important things that’ll be happening, so please don’t give up just yet. 
> 
> song for this chapter— lover of mine by 5 seconds of summer.
> 
> tw for sexual content in the beginning. the actual scene ends at the sentence “they’re so fucking annoying” — but there are sex jokes afterward. just skip to the near scene if you’re uncomfortable.

Harry and Louis spent the next few weeks on countless dates. They couldn’t get enough of each other, just like it was back then.

Their friends decided to stay around longer and hang out, too. It was wholesome in a weird way, except for when they barge into Harry and Louis’ apartment and don’t wait outside when they’re… you know. 

“Get it, Tommo!” is something Niall would often yell through the door, startling the pair beyond belief. His key was revoked for three weeks.

“Thank you for helping me get my job back, baby,” Louis says with gratitude, kissing down his boyfriend’s neck.

“Ah—“ Harry jolts, “it’s the least I could do.”

“Stop saying that,” he whispers in his ear, “just say ‘you’re welcome.’”

Harry’s silent except for quiet panting noises, and Louis ceases what he’s doing. 

“Wh— Lou? Why’d—“

“Thank you for helping me with my label.”

“Louis. You don’t technically have your job back just yet—“

“Ah?”

Fuck it. Harry’s a _man_.

“You’re welcome,” Harry concedes, “you’re welcome, you’re welcome, you’re welcome.”

“Fuck!” Harry whines, clutching onto Louis tighter when he’s given what he wants.

“Good boy,” Louis compliments, nibbling on his neck again.

“Stop— Don’t—“ Harry pleads, “I’ll—“

“Yeah?” Louis asks, punctuating his word with a sharper move, “but don’t you wanna?”

He nods, contradicting what he said beforehand. “Yeah, please.”

“Your wish is my command.”

He picks up the pace, moving his head up so he can look straight into Harry’s eyes.

“Like that?”

Harry nods again. Louis wasn’t pleased. Instead of stopping again, he just avoids where his boyfriend needs him.

“I’m confused,” Louis teases, “there?”

Harry shakes his head.

“Gonna need you to speak up, darling.”

“Ah—“ Harry breathes, arching his back a little when Louis moves a bit closer, “yeah.”

Louis nods this time, smiling at the way Harry’s falling apart.

“There…” he thrusts again, “or there?” he questions, but knows the answer when Harry’s back immediately arches off the bed with a loud, high-pitched moan.

“Yeah,” Harry confirms, wrapping his legs tighter around his boyfriend’s waist, “please don’t— uh, uh, oh, _fuuck!_ ”

“Don’t what?”

“Please keep going,” Harry finishes, “please don’t stop fucking me.”

He kisses over his neck as he continues his pace. “Never would I in a million years, baby.”

“They’re so fucking annoying,” Niall comments, crunching on some chips he found in the guys’ cupboards.

“I know,” Taylor groans, “do we seriously have to be in here right now?”

“Don’t worry, Harry’s almost finished,” Liam announces, getting up to steal some of Niall’s chips.

“How do you even know that?” Taylor questions in disbelief.

“‘Cause of that,” Liam explains, motioning for them all to be silent to hear the quickening rhythmic knocking against the wall. Harry and Louis let out a collective loud yell, and Liam nods.

“Boom.”

“That doesn’t answer my question,” Taylor points out, “that’s just… unfortunate.”

“When you live on a tour bus with them,” Zayn interjects, “you become very familiar.”

“Tommo’s also fucked you, so be quiet,” Niall jokes, plopping down on their couch.

“He does have a good point,” Liam adds.

“Yeah, yeah,” Zayn says, rolling his eyes as he sits back into his seat.

Harry and Louis walk out together into the living room, both of their heads of hair disheveled. They’re both in only boxer shorts.

“I have to show Harry something in the shower for about fifteen minutes,” Louis tells his friends, “we will be right out.”

“No one invited you here anywayyy!” Harry sings, following after Louis on his way to the bathroom.

“We all know you mean your penis, Louis!” Liam scoffs, “you’re not smooth!”

Taylor scrunches her face. “I’m not sure it was meant to be subtle.”

“Right?” Zayn agrees with a light laugh, downing a sip of beer.

“I’m just glad Harry grew out of the ‘daddy’ phase,” Liam tells the group.

“The _what?_ ” Taylor’s eyes widen, bewildered.

“Oh, yeah,” Zayn says, “that was a dark time.”

“It even lasted up until they started ‘growing apart’,” Liam tells Zayn. “I’m not even joking.”

“Seriously?” Zayn asks in amusement.

“Yeah, I’m not sure if doctors even know what part of Harry’s brain insisted on calling Louis that, but I’m convinced they did somehow and just took it right out. Did us all a solid,” Liam jokes, gaining a laugh from the group.

“You’re forgetting that Louis _liked it_ , Liam,” Zayn points out, “that’s the foulest part about it.”

“Yeah,” Liam shudders, “you’re right.”

“I’m, sorry,” Taylor speaks up, “Liam, did you just _shudder?_ ”

“I’ve seen things, Taylor. Things I can never unsee,” he replies, a blank look on his face and eyes wide open. “I’ve seen things they don’t even have porn for.”

“Oh, God.”

“It was like a warzone, Taylor,” Liam tells her, hands on her shoulders, “Harry was the war prisoner, Louis was the troublemaker guard, and I was like the innocent passerby that was told to forget what he saw.”

“That bad?” she asks.

“One thing you must learn about Harry and Louis,” Zayn tells her, “you must not ever go through Louis’ box.”

“His box? I don’t even know what that looks like.”

“Oh, you’ll know,” Niall interjects, “once you happen upon it, a dark cloud passes over your head. There’s a strange energy that enters the room, as if a spirit’s watching you. There’s an unexplainable energy that fills your stomach. A voice in your head begging you not to open The Box.”

“This all from looking at a box?”

“Yes.” Niall, Liam, and Zayn reply in unison.

“ _Fuck, Louis!_ ” 

“Harry’s so loud,” the woman laughs, starting to find their sexuality humourous like the rest of the guys, “is Louis’, you know, really that good, or is it one of those things where the sex is really good ‘cause they’re in love?”

“Little bit of both, I think,” Liam tells her, “Louis is hung, though.”

“Just because he’s big doesn’t mean he knows what to do with it,” Taylor points out.

“That seemed like it was bottled up for a while. You need to talk about it?” Niall asks, rubbing her back sympathetically. 

“Nah, he knows what to do,” Zayn shrugs, “and that’s the last I’m saying of it.”

“Is anyone else a little turned on?” Liam asks the group.

“Get help,” Taylor suggests.

“ _Please, Lou! Fuck!_ ” Harry shouts again, resulting in a collective groan from the group in the living room. 

“Ah. It’s begun, everyone,” Niall announces, shrugging as he turns on the television. “Football?”

. . .

“You ready, Lou?” Harry asks him, straightening out the shoulders of his blazer for him. “It’s a big day.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Louis smiles a bit, “I’m nervous though.”

“Don’t be,” Harry tells him, “you’re great. I don’t care what Fuckface said. That in no way reflected my real opinions on you. You deserve everything good in the world. You _are_ everything good left in this world.”

Louis stifles a grin. “Really,” he states, even though it was meant to be a question.

The taller man shrugs. “You’re the only thing I think I got right.”

“Stop, we have a meeting. You’re gonna make me wanna jump on ya again.”

Louis turns around, looking at himself in his mirror as he tries to put on his tie. As he looks at the past few months of his life, it’s definitely a mess. He doesn’t really care about it, though. Well, he does, but Harry makes it easier. He’s shocked at how easy it is. You’d think Louis would need time away from Harry when he relives some of the things that he did, but it’s the opposite. He’s the one Louis goes right to.

Harry hugs his boyfriend from behind, smiling in the crook of his neck.

“I’m next to you all day, and yet I still find myself missing you.”

“Speaking of all day,” Louis turns around to face him, Harry’s hands now around his waist. “Don’t you have a tour coming up?”

“Fuckface cancelled it.”

“Ah,” the smaller man smirks, “more for me, then.”

Harry rolls his eyes, taking his hand to switch them into a ballroom dancing position. Harry used to do this randomly all the time usually, but it’s the first time post-Fuckface he has. It makes Louis happy.

“More for you?” he asks.

“You know I don’t like sharing,” Louis explains, “I think you know that very well.”

“Mm,” Harry hums, “I do, actually.”

They spend the next few minutes dancing around their bedroom just like they used to. Harry rests his head on Louis’ shoulder, humming some song he doesn’t recognise. It’s cheesy, really. Harry always is. Weirdly enough, it’s one of the things that can easily make Louis cry.

“You ready?” Harry whispers in his ear, resulting in a nod from the older man.

“Let’s do this, then.”

And they do. The whole ride to the office, Louis couldn’t stop shaking his leg or fiddling with his own fingers. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to come to the conclusion that Louis was intensely anxious.

“Babe,” Harry chuckles, taking Louis’ hand in his own, “you’ll be okay. You’re amazing, yeah?”

“I’m _decent_ ,” Louis amends, “I’m not influenced by Fuckface. That’s what I’ve always genuinely believed.”

“Well, you need to stop it,” Harry says, “you’re more than decent. More than amazing. If they don’t want you back, I’ll sue them.”

Louis laughs a little. “For what?”

“Dunno, but I’ll find something.”

“You’ll ‘find something’?”

“Babe, I’m in a suit right now. Nobody can say no to a man in a suit.”

“Unless you’re gay and in a homophobic industry.”

“I’m gonna flick you, Louis.”

“It _is_ , though,” the shorter of the two days, “the industry is so homophobic. It always has been.”

“I know, Lou,” Harry frowns, “I know. It’s unfair.”

They sat in silence for the remainder of the ride, Harry occasionally reaching his hand over to give Louis’ thigh a reassuring squeeze.

“Are you okay?” Louis asks his boyfriend when he starts to look a little drowsy.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Harry confirms, “Just tired, I think.”

This happened often. Louis isn’t a doctor, so he has no idea if this has something to do with the stress put on his body during the surgery. It could be a side effect of the medicine he’s on, but Harry seems to be okay on all other fronts. Louis feels apprehensive about telling himself that he’s completely alright now, as he always tries to keep an eye out for any signs that it could’ve come back in any way. It was Harry’s neurosurgeon’s fault, actually. He lives in Louis’ brain based on what he said.

_“Now, this tumour was benign. I have to tell you that a lot of my patients with these types of masses often have it come back, either in different forms or the same way. It’s extremely vital that you keep an eye out for warning signs.”_

Harry must’ve known what Louis was thinking about, because he looked at him tiredly.

“I’m fine, Louis. It’s the medication.”

“I’m scared, okay? I didn’t force you to go like I wanted to last time, I don’t want to make that mistake again.”

“Look at me,” the younger man says, “do it.”

Louis does, frowning at the look Harry has on his face. When Harry stops at a red light, he looks into Louis’ eyes.

“No one, and I mean _no one_ ,” he says, “is more terrified than me that it’s going to come back.”

Louis nods.

“It’s fucking scary, and I know it is for you too, but I’ll know when something is really wrong. You might even know before me, just ‘cause you know me that well. But if it happens, it happens. It’s just another surgery. Nothing I haven’t done before.”

“I don’t want _brain surgery_ to be something you’re used to.” 

“Well, I don’t either, Louis,” Harry tells him, squeezing his hands, “but ignoring the fact that I might have to get used to it doesn’t make the issue go away. That’s now how this works, that’s not how _life_ works.”

“I know,” Louis tells him, “I just wish this could be easier, you know?”

“So do I,” Harry agrees, “but, unfortunately this is how it has to be. And I’m going to be dealing with this for the rest of my life, whether it comes back or not,” he informs, driving the car when the light turns green.

“Even if it doesn’t come back, I have to live with the anxiety of my brain convincing me that it will. I can’t stand to be like that, Louis. It’s not going to be the same each time it happens, God forbid it happens again, but it’s terrifying, Lou,” Harry rants, “it’s like I’m not even there. I do these things without even realising them, and when I do, I’m back into a different state. Especially when you’re fixed and you have to deal with all the damage. I have more stress than just a damn growth in my head.”

This is the first time Harry’s ever properly ranted about what he went through. Though it was sad, it was interesting to Louis, and it made him feel better that Harry’s comfortable enough to talk about it.

“And above all that,” Harry continues, “I hurt the person I love most in the worst ways. I can’t do that again, Louis. If it happens again, you have to promise to leave me. You don’t deserve my baggage.”

“But I love you, Haz. I’m here. I won’t leave you, especially when you need me.”

“That doesn’t _matter_ ,” Harry argues, “you deserve to be loved and treated with respect. You’re not going to be loved if I’m kicking you out of our houses and telling the world opinions of you that I don’t even believe!”

“Harry—”

“I’m _dangerous_ like that, Louis. It was directly your career on the line.”

Harry’s harsher on himself than Louis ever was, and it hurt to see. It’s not like Louis could ever help with an issue this big, and that burns him.

“Wanna try therapy again?” Louis jokes, making Harry roll his eyes with an ironically bitter laugh.

“You little shit,” Harry comments, smiling as he pulls into the parking lot at the office, “I’m gonna push you out of this vehicle, dude.”

“‘Dude’?” Louis snorts, playfully slapping him again, “I’m planning on proposing to you again and you call me dude? Maybe you _don’t_ want me to do you for the rest of your life.”

Harry smirks sportively, unbuckling his seatbelt. “What if I propose first?”

“Not happening. You remember last time?”

“If you just _shut up_ and let me finish the cake, then I would’ve!”

Louis shakes his head with a wide grin on his face. Grabbing the sides of Harry’s head, he kisses him.

“You’re so odd,” he tells him, kissing him again, “but I love you.”

Harry hums happily as Louis’ hands trail down his chest, deciding to wrap his arms around Louis’ midsection as best as he could.

“You ready to do this, babe?”

Louis sighs readily with his eyes wide. “I guess so.”

Harry kisses him one last time for good measure before getting out of the car to open Louis’ door.

“Let’s go get your job back, yeah?”

Louis and Harry sit anxiously in the waiting room until Louis’ name is called. Harry walks him to the meeting room, that unfortunately being the place where the pair have to depart. 

“You’re gonna do great,” Harry tells him. “Don’t be worried. It’ll be okay. If they say no, then we find another label. Simple as that. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“They’re gonna say yes, you know. I think you’re phenomenal.”

“Not everyone is you, babe.”

Harry scoffs in jest. “Well, if everyone was me then I’d have some real competition!”

Louis rolls his eyes at him, reaching up on his tiptoes to kiss him. “I’m going now.”

“Kick some ass. I love you.”

Harry waits outside of the room patiently, yet uneasy. He’s already been struggling so far with the idea that Louis will eventually come to resent him and all he put him through. Louis should hate him, but Harry really hopes that he never will. He already can’t forgive himself for what he’s done, he’s positive he’d go insane if the one thing that keeps him grounded leaves. It’s fully his decision though, Harry knows. He knows he’s being selfish by not wanting Louis to leave, but how could he not be? Louis is everything. He always is. There’s something about his presence alone that’s just so _exquisite_. He’s lucky to have lived most of his life by his side. 

Quickly, Louis walks out of the room. It’s only been five minutes. Harry’s heart rate quickly increases.

“What? How’d it go? You smashed it?”

Louis shakes his head sadly. “No.”

Harry’s stomach drops. “Babe, I’m so sorry—“

“Kidding,” Louis says quietly with a growing grin. “I’m back in.”

“Fuck you,” Harry says, “I hate you.”

Louis jokingly frowns. “Really? You hate me?”

Harry only shakes his head, slowly descending to the ground.

The other man only laughs. “What are you— oh.”

On one knee, Harry smirks up at Louis. “Told you I’d do it first.”

“You’re about to say something insane, aren’t you?”

“Louis Tomlinson,” Harry whispers, smiling in that way that makes his lips twitch as it grows, “for the second time…”

“Yeah?” Louis encourages, positive his grin is breaking his face.

Opening a new box, Harry has the guts to ask:

“Will you do me the wonderful honour of doing me for the rest of our lives?”

Immediately, Louis replied positively. “I’d be happy to.”

“You’re not taking the piss out of me, are ya?” Harry asks him, taking the ring out of the box to slide it on Louis’ ring finger.

Harry gets up on his feet, being immediately pulled into a long kiss from his fiancé. 

“Be honest with me,” Louis whispers, “how much did you spend on this ring?”

“An easy two million,” Harry shrugs, resting his large hands on Louis’ hips.

“Harry!” Louis whisper-yells, staring down at the ring. “You did not!”

“Yeah, I’m lying. It was eight hundred.”

“Dollars?”

“ _Thousand_ dollars, but yeah. Two million is a little steep for something you might lose.”

Louis glares at him. “It _was_ two million, wasn’t it?”

“Three.”

“Hundred thousand?” Louis asks, giving a sigh of relief. “Okay, nice. I don’t deserve millions of dollars spent on me.”

“No, million.”

“What?!”

“Yeah…” Harry confirms bashfully. “And you do deserve it.”

“You’re not trying to buy my love, are you?” Louis quips.

Harry rolls his eyes, pulling Louis in for a hug. “This was the _wedding_ ring I bought last year. So, no. I’m not trying to buy your love.”

“You know I forgive you, right? You don’t have to treat me any differently. Not that you are, but…”

Harry meets Louis’ lips again. “I’m gonna try my hardest to get it right this time.”

“You will,” Louis confirms, “I know so.”

. . .

“To Harry and Tommo!” Niall announces, holding his drink up in the air. “You guys belong together. I’m glad you found your way back.

“You got lost along the way, but it all ended up alright, didn’t it? May we _all_ stay lost on our way home.”

The group agreed, crashing their glasses together in celebration.

Harry held Louis’ hand, tattoos lining up the way they like. 

“How do you feel?” Harry asks Louis.

“What do you mean? You know that I’m happy.”

Harry smiles with a nod. “Of course I do. I mean, like, this is real. This is the beginning of the rest of our lives.”

Louis smiles back at his fiancé. He really likes the sight of this. “I have no complaints.”

Harry loves the sound of that. “Thank you for never giving up on me.”

“Of course,” he says, kissing Harry’s cheek. “I love you too much to do that.”

“Am I worth it? Your love, I mean.”

Louis looks around, smiling at his friends chatting with each other about things that won’t matter in a weeks’ time. He looks at each of them individually— Zayn, Liam, Niall, and Taylor. He counts his blessings with every moment he gets to spend with them. There’s no other group he’d rather waste his time with.

Finally, he looks back at Harry. The holder of his heart, the one thing in this fucked world that taught him to believe in love so wholly. 

His last question rang in his head— “ _am I worth it?_ ”

And, yeah, Louis thinks.

Yeah, he is.

**END**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the epilogue will be uploaded in a few hours. :)


	6. epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A look into the next few years of Harry and Louis’ life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welp, this is the real end ! this chapter is a bit sad, so just a heads up.
> 
> song for this chapter is carpe diem by you me at six.

Louis and Harry’s wedding was simple. They didn’t need or want anything too big, just Harry’s sister, mom, and all of their closest friends was necessary.

They got married five months after Harry proposed for the second time.

“I don’t think I can live one more second not being your husband,” he told Louis at the time.

Of course, Louis replied: “Then why should you?”

And before they knew it, they were sitting in a quickly planned little celebration two weeks later. It was all they ever needed.

“I can’t tell you how many years I’ve waited for this moment,” Harry tells Louis, beginning his vows.

“I remember when I met you. You had just turned eighteen. You had this awful bowl cut and you were loud and obnoxious.”

The congregation laughs, and Louis smiles wide with a shake of his head.

“But I loved it,” Harry continues, “I fell in love with it. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

“It really hurts to think about all the times I’ve wronged you. I can’t believe that through all that happened, you’re standing here today. With _me_! It’s still so insane to think about. I can’t fully comprehend it yet. I’ll never stop saying how lucky I am, even when we’re gray and old. I’ll be like, ‘hey, remember Fuckface?’ and you’ll be like, ‘shut up.’

“But I won’t be able to, ‘cause I made a promise to spend the rest of my life making you feel loved. What I did then was not what I promised to do. In a weird way, though, maybe it was a good thing Fuckface came around. ‘Cause, who knows? Maybe we wouldn’t be standing here today. I definitely wouldn’t have Darcy.”

His daughter. A beautiful, two-week old girl. Louis is sure he’d never seen Harry happier than when he held the baby girl in his hands.

_“Darcy Avery-Styles, you are, by far, the light of my life.”_

_Harry elbowed Louis._

_“Right next to this guy here. This is Louis. He’s your other dad,” he whispered, “he’s so special. I hope you’ll love him as much as I do.”_

Louis tears up at the memory, but continues smiling as he listens to Harry speak.

“I don’t know what I did to deserve you, Louis. You’re the best thing I’ve got. The best thing I’ve ever had the pleasure of calling mine. I love everything about you. I love when you get pissed at me, ‘cause it’s cute. I love when you make me breakfast even though you can’t cook anything but mac and cheese and scrambled eggs. I love the way you’ve always given me a chance,” Harry doesn’t even try to hide his tears when they begin to fall, “I love the way you love Darcy like she’s your own. I love the way that I get to be a part of your life when you’re so, so special and so spectacular in every way, and I’m forever glad that I can be somebody to you.

“But, most of all, I love the way you love.”

Louis is crying now too, shaking his head as he squeezes Harry’s hands.

“You’ve loved me even when I didn’t deserve it. I _still_ don’t deserve it. You loved me back then, when I had a small crush on a girl in the X-Factor house and you set me up with her. I left that date early to come back to you. It’s something so small, so insignificant, but I realised that nobody else would’ve done that for me. Sure it’s something friends would do, but, I was on that date and I realised something.

“You and I, Lou? We were never just friends.

“So, I came back that night, and I kissed you for the first time. Every time we kiss now, I still feel that way—like the little sixteen year old boy that finally got what he wanted for so long. I didn’t even know how much I needed you until then. I know that I’ve always loved you, but that really just opened my eyes. I knew you were my forever from that day forward, and we’re finally here. I’m just glad you stuck with me along the way.”

“God,” Louis announced, wiping his tears, “how could I possibly follow that up?”

Harry laughs as do their friends and family. He wipes away Louis’ tears with the pad of his thumb.

“Your turn, baby,” he whispers, and Louis takes a shaky deep breath.

“You’re an unstoppable force,” Louis begins, “a beautiful fuckin’ freak of nature.

“In a world where so many other beautiful people stop to throw themselves at you, you could’ve had anyone else in the world. I ended up being the one you chose, and it still feels like a weird dream to me. Every day I’ve got you, I truly don’t know how I did it. I don’t know how you deal with me, but you do, and for that, I can’t thank you enough. I grew up not believing in soulmates, love, all that shit,” he jokes, and Harry smiles.

“But something about the way I felt when I saw you for the first time,” Louis shakes his head, “it was something I can never begin to explain. I could try, but words would never do it justice. I cannot properly express how lucky I am that I get to be here with you,” he continues, “we’ve been through a lot, but we made it out. We’ll always make it out, won’t we? When I look back at my life, I find myself regretting a lot of things. I made a lot of stupid desisions growing up, I’ve said a lot of things I shouldn’t have, but out of all those mistakes… I have never, and I will never regret you. You’re so good. I know you’re torn up about what you did in the past, but you’re good, Harry. Just showing that you regret it means much more to me than any pain you may have caused. It doesn’t matter anymore, Harry. It’s just you and I now, okay?”

Harry nods. “I love you,” he mouths.

“And I promise I’ll protect you when things get bad,” Louis adds, smiling as he feels tears threaten to fall again, “I’ll never walk away. By now, we’re just saying things we’ve told each other a million times, but I can’t say it enough, Haz. Nothing you can do will make me love you less. I could try, but it’s not going to happen. That’s just not the way life works,” Louis says, reciting something Harry says a lot.

His family gets it too, Louis can tell. Based on the amount of laughter, Louis isn’t the only one he’s said it to multiple times.

“When I look at you, I see everything I want. I see everything I’ll ever need,” he adds. “And I know I’m not that good at this. I can’t properly put together everything I’m feeling all the time.

“I’m better at the, uh,” Louis sniffs as he stifles a smirk, “physical expressiveness, heh.”

Liam wolf whistles from the congregation, followed by lame cheers coming from Niall and Zayn. Harry lets out a dramatic “woo!” too, throwing his head back in laughter when he sees his mother and sister’s expressions.

Harry squeezes Louis’ hands and mouths an apology.

“But what I can say is,” Louis continues, playfully scowling at his soon-to-be husband, “I love you more than anything I’ve ever loved before. I’m beyond excited to start our lives together.”

And that’s how Harry and Louis’ married life began—with weirdly emotional speeches, sex jokes, and the unexplainable energy from their friends.

In short, Harry and Louis began their lives together the exact way their friendship started.

It was all either man could ask for.

They went on to release a few more albums, have a few more kids, and tour one last time with Niall and Liam. 

Eventually, Harry and Louis decided to step away from creating music. They’ve done everything they ever wanted to achieve, what more could they want? 

So, they spent the next years of their life raising their kids and having inappropriately loud sex whenever their friends agreed to watch the girls. It was a good life.

* * *

Harry dies before Louis does.

They both expected it, really. 

Over the years, Harry was okay. He had a few complications every now and then, even sometimes needing to have follow-up procedures because his brain seemed to be a breeding ground for masses. 

He lived to see all their daughters turn double digits, which is all he could’ve asked for. 

Darcy, 15. Félicité, 13, and their youngest, Amelia, 10. Amelia was his little girl from the second she was born. They all were, really, but she loved him in a way Louis had never seen a child love their parent. All of their own girls had their own unique ways, but even when Amelia passed eight, she still clung to Harry like her life depended on it.

That was the funny thing about their family, though. They all showed their love in their own little ways. 

Louis expected them to be stereotypical pre-teens and teenagers once they hit that age, but they never were. They’re all so kind and hilarious, and they have great heads on their shoulders. 

Louis knew Harry was the reason for that. Harry would always be the one better at cheesy pep talks and he was better at motivating them than Louis was. 

They loved Louis just the same, obviously, but Harry was special. Louis knew he was special from the moment he laid eyes on him. He’s so glad that Harry at least had the chance to make a difference in their girls’ lives. Louis just wishes Harry could’ve made it through his last fight.

It was hard, he’s not going to lie. After countless months racked up that Harry had to be in the hospital, he’ll still say the last time was the hardest.

Whenever Harry got these extreme mood swings, Louis knew it was a sign. He always took him to the hospital immediately.

Louis just didn’t catch it the last time, as the symptoms presented themselves differently.

Harry just kept laughing. He was laughing and laughing, probably the happiest he’s ever been. Nothing made him upset. For months, he was like this. Louis was delighted to see Harry so ecstatic, and all the giggling made him think that he’d never seen his husband in his prime. He thought maybe he laughed a lot when he was glad. It made sense, looking at their lives together and all they endured. How could he not be happy?

It changed when Louis woke up to Harry laughing in his sleep. When the giggles turned mindless, and he started crying out of nowhere during his bursts of laughter, Louis knew something was so deeply wrong.

And it was.

When they finally got to the hospital, the both of them found out they were seizures. Every time he’d laugh uncontrollably, it was just a reminder for the ticking time bomb in his hypothalamus. 

He died a week later. Two days after Amelia’s tenth birthday. 

Louis spent the longest time blaming himself for it. The girls are the only reason he didn’t go insane because of it. 

The thing that makes him at peace with how his life ended, minus their daughters, is how fully Harry liked to live life. He spent every moment as if it were his last, constantly reaching for the stars with everything he did. Louis never had that zest for life, even if he was a “live life to the fullest” kind of person. Harry was just lively in ways he wasn’t. It makes Louis happy to know that Harry was smiling until the morning he didn’t wake up.

Louis could never remarry. There were only a few times he tried to date someone, but he never called them back. He spent weeks crying and hours at Harry’s grave apologising for cheating on him. Louis doesn’t think he’ll ever get over it. Not that anyone does, but he doesn’t know how people go on. 

But now, on Amelia’s sixteenth birthday, she wants to visit Harry’s grave alone with Louis.

“Are you ever still sad about dad?” she asks, and Louis chuckles lightly.

“It’s almost been six years, darling, and it’s never gotten easier.”

She nods to herself. “I remember him always saying something about light,” Amelia recalls, “I was young when he stopped saying it, but…”

“Be your own light,” Louis smiles, “‘cause you’ll never know when it might burn out if you lean on someone else for it.’ He was corny.”

“He was great,” Amelia amends.

“That he was,” her father agrees.

“It hurts to look at you and Darcy when I’m really thinking about him,” the man admits, “you guys look just like him.”

Amelia had green eyes and dark, curly hair just like her biological father. The freckles she had splayed across her cheeks were from her mother, wherever and whoever she was. Otherwise, she’s a freckled little Harry.

They sit in silence for a while, both staring at the old slab of concrete and wilted flowers over his plot. They always bring new flowers, but never want to remove the old ones. It shows how many people visit and miss him every day.

An hour later, Amelia rises from the seat she’s taken next to Harry’s plot. She reaches out her hand, helping her father up.

“Are you ready to go home?” she asks.

Louis takes one last look at Harry’s gravestone.

“Someday, yeah.”


End file.
